In this series, I take a look at sports movies that take the pesky "true" out of "unbelievable true story" and just settle for a bunch of tired clichés like say, celestial beings helping a .190 hitter hit for the cycle, or the kidnapping of prominent athletes without a nationwide manhunt resulting in long sentences for the culprits and constant warnings not to "drop the soap".
Last time, I ripped the 1994 version of Angels in the Outfield.
Number four on our list is actually an entire trilogy of nonsense: the Goal! franchise. Attempting to capitalize on the global popularity of soccer, actor Kuno Becker was cast as Santiago "Santi" Munez, a poor Mexican migrant who travels to Los Angeles (literally crossing a river, a desert and a chain-link fence on his way) in search of a better life and a shoe contract that will allow him to star in commercials with Zinedine Zidane.
In the first movie, Munez is discovered by Glen Foy, a former English scout, who decides his talent is so stratospheric that he's going to take him back to England and have him try out for a top team, all on his dime, without you know, instead taking him to an MLS team (which would cost him less) or asking to be his manager or signing some kind of contract or anything like that (which would at least guarantee him a return on his investment and awesome gesture).
Santi leaves his family even after his dad is all like, "Son, you suck—get over it. Stay here and help me keep cutting rich white people's lawns. That's right, we're landscapers. Because we're Mexican, remember?"
After what can be described as the worst tryout in soccer history on a muddy field, Foy is all like "Oy, Newcastle United manager! This kid doesn't really suck! He's just not used to like, rain and water and talent!"
Understandably, the manager trusts Foy's word and not what he just saw and offers Santi a contract.
Oh, and Santi also has asthma but he never tells anyone nor do they ever find out (because medical tests for a high endurance sport never check for something like asthma) because he's afraid it'll get him kicked off the team (because he equates having asthma as being the same type of handicap as having one leg or something).
So, eventually Santi makes the senior team after being given a—gasp (haha, get it?)—inhaler to treat his asthma, starts making out with this hot English nurse whom he eventually marries (it's a turn-on for chicks when they can't understand what the hell you're saying) and is rewarded for being a selfish, arrogant pretty boy by starting the most important game of the season for Newcastle even though he'd just played in one game before that. Ever.
17 comments Last one added 9 months ago — Leave a Comment
Thomas 10 months ago
i liked the idea, but the movie could've been waayy better.
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Eric Gomez 10 months ago
Like, for example - if it's not a comedy, respect your audience and don't load it with unnecessary clichés. I know, plus the guy who stars in it is a soap star here in Mexico. Yecch.
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Ana Maria 10 months ago
The only reasons I watched the entire movie were that I was on a plane, and that it had Real Madrid in it. I should've done what my brothers did and slept instead of wasting hours watching a cliché infested movie about cardboard-like characters and starring an actor that doesn't even like football.
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Eric Gomez 10 months ago
You know who never liked football, either?
Gabriel Batistuta. No joke.
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Ana Maria 10 months ago
Batigol?! lol that's like Ronald McDonald not liking french fries.
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Eric Gomez 9 months ago
Those french fries are pretty damn good. But yeah, Batistuta always wanted to be a model and a tennis player.
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derek williams 10 months ago
A new Director and different type of storyline make Goal! III a rather different movie from it's two predecessors and Milkshake productions for Disney studios may well have a winner when the film finally gets out on general release to a wider public.
As a member of the cast (guess who I play?) it was a real buzz to shoot my scenes in the setting of a World Cup tournament! The trials, tribulations and dramas surrounding the players on and off the pitch should hopefully make the film enjoyable for a wide variety of viewers and not just soccer fans?
It's a mystery why the movie is being held back? Particularly in the UK during the summer of 2008 when it would have been the only opportunity for brit fans to see England in action in an international tournament since they crashed out of Euro08 in the qualifying rounds without S-G E's guidance.
Many people appear to have enjoyed the first two films so maybe wait until the new movie's out and see what you think of this one?
As an aside, it's a little ironic that Sven-Goran Eriksson is seen in the movie in charge of the England squad in Germany when he is now coaching El Tri in Mexico? Now maybe there's an idea for "Goal! 4" ?????
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Eric Gomez 10 months ago
Let me guess! You play... uh, Kevin Keegan?
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illya mclellan 10 months ago
Hilarious review, I had an idea it would be like what you say and so never bothered even reading about it. The best football themed movie I've seen was some thing about an England fan during Euro 96, which I can't remember the name of, I think I read the book first. This series is typical money making fodder for the studio's who don't give a crap about the emotions and ideals of the footballing public. Great piece mate.
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Eric Gomez 10 months ago
Thanks for your comment. I enjoyed Goal casually but mostly I was let down by it as it was cliched and let's face it: a little racist.
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Marc Kaveh 10 months ago
i actually thought the first film was more logical then the second and found the first pretty enjoyable.
you can find faults in every film if you try though...
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Thomas 10 months ago
the first one is better than the second, true. Usually that's how it works. the first is awesome but then they crap it up on the second.
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Eric Gomez 9 months ago
The second movie was insanely out of its gourd.
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derek williams 10 months ago
It's just some pretty dedicated people doing their best to provide you with entertainment and all fiction, from the bard to the Simpsons(?) bares little resemblance to boring old reality... (As demonstrated by the low budget but profitable so called "reality TV" that now blights screens all over the world?)
I have only seen the rushes of some of "my" scenes in Goal! III, so have no way of assessing the new movie in it's final version, so I will be as interested to see how it turned out after the edit as anyone else and will reserve judgement until then perhaps.... You may find it of minor interest to decide which "Sven" is which on the final cut? Real footage from the German FIFA world Cup is cut with the dramatic scenes......
I admit that I have never seen the first film but was honoured to host the charity premier of G2 and thought it wasn't "Hamlet", but was entertaining?
Oh and I like to think of myself as more "David Beckham" than "Kevin Keegan" (joke) but I have been proud to "be" Sven in quite a few TV shows, sports features and commercials etc., for the past few years and my recent adventure in Mexico appears to have been miss-reported around the world but what the heck..., all publicity is "good" publicity? I'm glad (and greateful) that Ricardo Ferretti set the record straight so quickly, but that wasn't so widely reported....
http:/www.myspace.com/svenalike
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illya mclellan 10 months ago
i think someone like Guillermo del Toro is doing a better job of 'doing their best to provide you with entertainment', than the makers of this movie are. Maybe there are a few people such as yourself and a couple of others who might be trying to retain some sort of artistic integrity amongst the shameless money grubbing of such studio executive type fodder, but this type of film is just made to make money from an established audience. One of the world's biggest established audiences in fact.
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derek williams 10 months ago
I can't argue with most of the points you make Illya.
The world turns on profit and everyone needs to make a living.., BUT some of us do have integrity and I have personally turned down some of the highest paid job offers that I was not happy to undertake.
You point out that all of the major film studios aim their product at the mass market, but only by pleasing that market do they turn a profit. Many high budget movies have been shunned at the box office and some low budget ones have been hugely successful, so "formula" productions aimed at specific interest groups are not guaranteed to pay back the studio's investnment.
I should also point out that the sport of soccer that once had "blue collar" roots for the regular joe working guy, long ago turned from "sport" into "mega-business" and there is no longer any chance for a father to turn up with his son to watch a premier league game for a small entrance charge. Season tickets for UK premier league clubs cost a minimum of £2,000 with prime seats at £5,000 per season at many stadiums (US$4,000 to $10,000). Gasoline in the UK is currently "down" to around £1.15 per litre (US$2.30) which equals £5.17 (US$10.35) per imperial gallon (4.5litres) or £4.37 (US$8.74) per US gallon (3.8litres).
Well off the subject (sorry) but it appears to me that the world is full of shameless (exploitative) moneygrubbing that makes the entertainment industry look almost philanthropic?
Back on topic: I look forward to assessing "Goal! III" on it's own merits (without any reference to the previous two movies from other production companies) and hope that it may provide some measure of entertainment to those who buy their tickets.., even if my own contribution was left on the cutting room floor?
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Eric Gomez 10 months ago
Hopefully you're right, Derek. Hopefully this is a stand-alone picture that distances itself from clichés and mistakes the first two films made. Maybe it's just my narrow scope, but I don't see how they can pull a 180 degree turn on the third installment without coming off as a completely different tale and not as part of a trilogy.
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