Someone call Emeril Lagasse. The Steelers offense really needs his help, because right now that offense can't beat eggs.
How bad is it?
A 44 percent red-zone conversion rate, good (or should I say, bad) for 27th in the NFL. Two touchdowns in their last 30 offensive possessions. One touchdown in their last eleven quarters.
So bad that Bruce Arians had to have a meeting with Ben Roethlisberger this week to discuss the red-zone problems and ways to score touchdowns. So Arians has to ask Ben how to score touchdowns? Hmmm, what's wrong with that picture? Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?
Among the notable quotes from Arians the Great in discussing the subject with the media this week:
"Our first and 10 passing has not been very good. It's probably a little bit of my fault going for the end zone too much instead of going for a couple short ones."
First and 10 passing? What first and 10 passing? Arians must be slamming back shots of tequila before his offense gets to the red zone. That's the only thing I can think of that would cause him to confuse up the middle line plunges on first and second down with "first and 10 passing".
And then there's this one:
"We're averaging about 1.5 yards a carry from the 20 down. Actually, in our goal-line offense, we've been very, very good; it's just we don't get in there often."
The goal-line offense has been very, very good?!? Oh, so that would explain why the offense had first and goal at the Baltimore two yard line and ended up kicking a field goal. Or had first and goal at the Cincinnati five yard line and ended up kicking a field goal. Or had first and 10 at the Cincinnati 15-yard line and ended up kicking a field goal after moving the ball BACKWARDS.
And 1.5 yards per carry? Gee, do you think that cramming the entire offense in a box with no space for a running back to run has anything to do with it? And don't even get me started on wide-receiver screens from the four yard line, with no blocking.
Very, very good? Arians must have lost a few key brain cells somewhere along the way.
And then my personal favorite, with Arians commenting on Rashard Mendenhall's red-zone performance:
"It's not him. We have to block better. It's normal this time of the year. About everything you do is on tape; you're not going to surprise anybody with very many new things. You got to block 'em and make people miss."
Not going to surprise anybody with new things? I suppose that Tom Brady, Matt Ryan, Philip Rivers and Peyton Manning have been so successful because their opponents know exactly what plays they're going to run, and they never try to surprise them.
And when does Arians ever try anything new? I guess that "new" to Arians means having Isaac Redman run up the middle on first and second down, rather than Mendenhall.
Does Bruce Almighty really believe what he is saying? Or even know what he is saying? If so, as one rather famous animated hare might say,'What a maroon!'
I guess, though, lunacy notwithstanding, it's a good thing that Arians is a football coach. If Arians were a chef, Heinz Field would be Hell's Kitchen.