In breaking news today, Barack Obama has withdrawn his run for the presidency of the United States and accepted the position of replacing Brian Cashman as general manager of the New York Yankees.
Issuing a brief statement, Obama said, "We gonna get some change."
Not going into any type specific detail, Obama commented, "First thing we're gonna do is create a hybrid-type pitching mound. It will be sort of like a cone. We call it the 'home-field advantage.' We'll lower the mound six inches for when we bat and in between innings, the "cone" will be placed on top of the mound for the opposing team to hit off of. We're supposed to have a home-field advantage and this is just the beginning."
So much for the Anti-Trust Exemption that requires a level playing field, but the Yankees will get more revenue as result of this change - and thus have to pay even more revenue "sharing" proceeds to all teams and have to pay even more taxes to the local, state and the federal government.
The Yankees having to pay more is a good thing and will allow for even more social programs, feed more "starving children" with federal programs like The School Lunch Program - but fear not - the teacher's union will still have that ever tightening strangle hold over the " quality dependent on income" education program and will still hold some political parties hostage...regardless of educational results of children furhtering inequality in America - but don't worry, there will still be taxes to fix it all.
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day - teach a man to fish and feed him for life!
Obama goes on, "Secondly, when Jason Giambi bats, we will bring in the right-field fence 70 feet. This will be accomplished by a new 'transportable wall.' This will 'level' the playing field even further, all for the sake of fair play and equal opportunity."
"Thirdly, free beer for everyone. No age limit. You've been forced to watch this mess all year, you might as well be medicated. We were going to offer free parking, but everyone takes the subway to the Bronx. There will be semi-naked cheerleaders offering free peanuts during games pitched by Carl Pavano."
"Furthermore...And very exciting for all of you, I'm sure...Any opposing pitcher with an ERA less than 7.35 will have to pitch from a distance halfway between "the cone" and second base. Any pitcher with and ERA lower than 4.6 will have to pitch underhand...you get the point."
"In closing, I'm delighted to be running this show now. I've promised you change, and by the grace of God, you're gonna get some."
Lastly, Obama suspended George Steinbrenner from Baseball again - regardless of his being talked about for the Hall of Fame.
Obama calls this plan, "payback for Steinbrenner contributing to Richard Nixon's Campaign. The media does not like Nixon, so I had to do it."
Obama reported that he doesn't care if he promised the people to run his campaign on Public Finance alone to seter Big Money Corruption and doesn't care about Campaign Finance Reform at all - he wants to be a Yank.
He also added that, "George also shares a name for which I do not care for - that short, fat Jewish guy on Seinfeld. I know Mr. Steinbrenner was already suspended in the 1970s, but I don't think he remembers his punishment - so it is important that he does."
At the end of the "Obamanian Empire" the Yankees were literally left with change -pocket change- but Boston prospered due to Obama's love for Ted Kennedy.
I would have tagged John McCain - but this site does not have a tag for John McCain - only one for Barack Obama.
Like the new article format? Send us feedback!