It's been two weeks since the last "special three-hour RAW," so you know what that means... TIME FOR ANOTHER "SPECIAL" 3-hour RAW!
All kidding about the irony of the timing of their three-hour specials, tonight's another exciting event of the late-fall season. First we got King Of The Ring, and now we get another favorite from a decade and a half ago—THE SLAMMY AWARDS!
While that should dominate RAW for the majority of the 130 minutes of non-commercial time, there will likely be plenty of wrestling on the night.
Are there going to be any of the awards determined by in-ring action? Rumor has it that DIVA OF THE YEAR is going to be determined by a Battle Royal.
Shawn Michaels is nominated a few times, so can we expect to see him show up if he wins one of them? Batista was nominated for an award too, but his was for quitting WWE...so what are the odds he'd show up? The Undertaker is still with the company, but he's currently on the shelf, so if he wins match of the year, what do they do about that? Come to think about it, did he show up in past years?
This is usually the part of the article intro where I talk about all the potential feuds WWE is going to present to us tonight, but that's not how I'm going to rock it tonight. Not on a SPECIAL three-hour RAW night!
Enough speculatory questioning, let's see what RAW has in store for us!
They let us know that the Slammy Awards are being hosted tonight by three Slammy Award winners. Cole won last year for throwing up, Punk has been Superstar of the Year on a previous calendar, but what did Jerry "The King" Lawler win for?
Wow, did they really get David Arquette to show up to present a Slammy Award? The fact that they're playing up the fact that he was a former WCW World Heavyweight Champion just brings back bad memories, and honestly it's bringing in the wrong kind of "heat." That said, I suppose it is a decent way to introduce an award for the shocking moment of the year.
Winner—Shocker Of The Year—Nexus debuting.
How ironic is it that Nexus wins an award for its shocking debut on the night in which Nexus may disband forever.
The RAW General Manager has something to say about it, so he sends Michael Cole an email...
CM Punk with another quotable, as he asks to read the email, as he reminds Cole that people enjoyed it when he read the GM's email the other week.
Big Show appears in a surprise first match, and he steals Wade Barrett's Slammy. What are the odds that Barrett knows what Big Show did to Jack Swagger's trophies. Sorry, I forgot I was talking to the RAW audience, you probably don't know enough about what happens on the Blue Show to understand the trophy reference. To those of you who do, congratulations on enjoying the better show.
CM Punk with another quotable, as he mentions that Big Show probably thinks there's chocolate in the middle of the Slammy.
Is there any chance that all these comments Punk is making in reference to John Cena will lead to a feud between the two?
If I had used the term "betwixt," would that have made the previous sentence better or worse?
Outcome: Wade Barrett gets himself counted out, because he realizes he can't beat Big Show, and for some reason the referee stopped Big Show from chasing after him.
Superstar of the Year—voting available at WWE.com? Yeah, I believe my vote counts towards the winner about as much as I believe that John Cena's no longer on the payroll.
There it is, the announcement that Diva of the Year will be decided by a Battle Royal.
What part of Kelly Kelly makes you think she should be presenting the Despicable Me award? Tyson Kidd shows up, along with his bodyguard, and it could be despicable if she were to be sent backstage by Tyson Kidd and Jackson Andrews...
Further adding to the reasons she shouldn't be presenting this award are summed up by the things he said about Kelly to make fun of her. I'm not going to say that was painful, but I should've gone with my original intention of watching that segment in mute. Tyson Kidd did a much better job of talking than I thought he would've.
Another great quote by CM Punk, when waiting to hear who the winner of this award is, he started saying "No Whammy, No Whammy, No Whammy..." a comment which a lot of folks probably wouldn't understand because they've never seen the gameshow that's a part of.
Winner—Despicable Me—CM Punk singing to Rey Mysterio's daughter on her birthday.
CM Punk with an interesting speech afterwards, letting SOMEONE backstage know that he's coming for them at some point, though he doesn't tell us who he's going to be targeting.
Match—Kofi Kingston and Daniel Bryan (Danielson) vs. Dolph Ziggler and Ted DiBiase
This week, instead of the Bella Twins fighting over the American Dragon, he's got both of them escorting him to the ring.
In an interesting turn of events, the guy in this match with the longest hair (Kofi) is the only one who isn't accompanied to the ring by a woman. Dolph Ziggler would trade places with Kofi in a second.
Because this is a three-hour episode, I'm not going to cover each and every comment by the announcers, nor the in-ring psychology. It's not because I've had a bit too much to drink. That would be false. I've had just enough. Water. Hydration, folks, it's important.
Outcome - Kofi and AmDrag get the win after Kofi kicks someone in the head. I blame Ted DiBiase, who couldn't buy a win if he were the Million Dollar Man's son! Oh wait....
Vladimir Kozlov and Santino Marella introducing Guest Host Of The Year, and we're seeing a lot more of their charisma / team chemistry. These guys should be on a late night talk show.
Did anyone else cringe a lot when they saw most of those guest hosts referenced? Mike Tyson was good, but most of the flashes they showed might be the cause of my nightmares tonight.
Winner - Guest Host Shining Moment Of The Year - Pee Wee Herman wins, and gives an acceptance speech via satellite. He says he'd love to come back host again whenever WWE calls... Am I the only one who hopes he never hosts again? The first time was... alright. A second time would be... unfortunate.
Nexus confronts Wade Barrett and tells him to rehire John Cena. Apparently by Otunga giving him the same ultimatum as last week, suddenly Wade's eyes are opened and he suddenly knows what to do. Did he misunderstand something when Otunga said it last week?
Match - Mark Henry vs Cody Rhodes
If Cody Rhodes wins this match, I'll be speechless. Luckily for you, I don't dictate this article, so I'd still technically be allowed to type it out. My wife doesn't watch wrestling, so it's not like there's anyone to actually talk to during the event anyway.
That's right, folks, I don't live in my parents' basement. And I do have friends, but this isn't high school or college, we can't just get together and watch television. Not unless it's a pay per view.
Outcome - Cody Rhodes leaves me speechless as he gets the win by dropping a knee off the middle rope into Mark Henry's back.
Like I promised, speechless, but the article continues.
Lawler shows up to present an award, and unfortunately so does Vickie Guerrero. We get a "Reptile Dysfunction" joke from Lawler, some annoying laughter from Guerrero, and another couple funny quips from Lawler about Vickie in lingerie and at a restaurant.
Winner - Holy $#!t Award - John Cena sending Batista through the stage with an Attitude Adjustment... in a complete rip-off because Randy Orton should've won that award. In the GuysNation poll we conducted, Orton's RKO on Evan Bourne beat Cena's Attitude Adjustment of Batista by 5%.
Wade Barrett shows up, take the award, goes to the ring and gives us his decision about John Cena... milking a few minutes and playing to the fans making us wait... and finally Cena shows up, and still we wait to hear the decision... and I'm feeling like this is the second most frustrating "decision" since LeBron James.
Nexus shows up, further prolonging the decision, and at this point I'm starting to lose interest... except for the fact that I'm writing this article, so I have to be interested... and if I skip this segment I'll be forced to watch it in RAW Rebounds two or three more times before the night is over!
Cena gets rehired, and I'm disappointed because we never got to see Juan Cena on RAW!
Two conditions: Cena and Barrett will square off in a Chair Match at the TLC pay per view... and Cena has to wrestle David Otunga here tonight.
He was smart enough to have backup last week... why didn't John Cena make sure there were people to watch his back tonight? where are those folks, couldn't they decide for themselves to rush the ring to attack Nexus?
When Cena gets backstage, he'd better have some words with his supposed "friend" R-Truth.
Wow, so we already got a RAW Rebound of the segment from before the commercial!
Why, oh why, is David Arquette coming out to present a second time? And if his fashion designer skills are as bad as his acting skills, then he designed that white outfit he's wearing.
How great is it that The Miz showed up to confront the girl who looked distraught when he won the WWE Championship?
The anonymous GM schedules The Miz for a match to take place right now, and he's facing Rey Mysterio. If I were showing up to make a statement tonight on RAW, I wouldn't wear my ring gear, because that makes you prime to be surprised by a match you didn't get time to prepare for!
Match - Rey Mysterio vs The Miz
If The Miz wants to be SuperStar Of The Year, why would he even worry about facing another one of the nominees on RAW?
Does anyone want to bet that Randy Orton isn't going to be facing an opponent as talented as Rey Mysterio later tonight?
Alberto Del Rio shows up... and if you're surprised, you haven't been watching.
Rey Mysterio sets up for the 6-1-9 on three of the four sides of the ring, and he only gets tripped up in the attempt on one of the attempts, the last one, and the other two attempts are foiled for other reasons.
outcome - The Miz pins Rey Mysterio when Alberto del Rio trips up Rey during a 6-1-9 attempt
The aGM has something to say, and again CM Punk doesn't get to read the email... we find out about Orton's opponent later in the night - a handicap match against Alex Riley... and David Arquette!
I'm getting bad shivvers up my spine.
Edge shows up to present the Meltdown Moment of the Year, and .... did anyone else SCREAM "CHRISTIAN" when Edge was looking for a co-presenter? I didn't. Remember how I was speechless from the Rhodes v Henry match? Yeah, no talking.
YES! CAPTAIN CHARISMA!!! Did anyone else think Edge was a lot taller than Christian from the last few times they were together?
Did anyone else hope for a Three Second Pose?
Whoa, wait... is Christian the Anonymous General Manager?
Damn, for a second I was pleased... but also, I was going to be upset, because i really want to see Edge and Christian back together on the same show for years.
Sheamus shows up, and I suppose he's probably got a match, and does anyone else think that his crazy crown from last week looked better than the bedazzled version?
Match - John Morrison vs Sheamus
So we get to see this match for a fifth time? Come on, WWE... too much of a good thing spoils it. Unless you're talking about Maryse or the Bella Twins.
Did I mention that GuysNation has some of the best Maryse pictures on the internet? Yeah, we're talking about THOSE kind of pictures.
Just when I thought they couldn't give us something new in the Morrison / Sheamus feud, the do.
Outcome - Double Disqualification.
Is anyone else really happy we don't have to see another match between these two right now? Pay per view match in the works... WINNER BECOMES NUMBER ONE CONTENDER!! LADDER MATCH!!! With the tables match on the card, and the chairs matches, I'm glad to hear we're completing the trio by having a ladders match.
Does JTG still have a job just so he could help present Knucklehead moment of the year?
Winner - Knucklehead Moment Of The Year - LayCool wins for getting beaten up by Mae Young... or at least i think that's how they announced it, since JTG either messed up the reading of the award winner, or LayCool stole the award and WWE didn't explain their treachery well enough to show people what LayCool was doing.
Diva Of The Year Battle Royal Time, also known as Fast Forward Time (after the entrances, of course)
IF CM Punk makes any classic comments, be sure to let me know about it.
Very athletic attempt by Kelly Kelly, only to be foiled.
Is anyone else really happy that Gail Kim is still in the match late enough that we can actually see her still in the ring? She outlasted Layla, which is better than I thought she might do. Whoa, she outlasted Beth Phoenix... though not by much!
Outcome - Michelle McCool, and now each member of LayCool will have a Slammy to hold onto.
While I wouldn't have had McCool win the match, I am glad that Beth Phoenix didn't win, as she's only been back from injury for a couple weeks now.
WHOA, big announcement: at the pay per view, there's going to be a DIVA's Tables Match, and I don't believe I've seen a woman put through a table in YEARS! LayCool vs Natalya & Beth Phoenix. My money is on LayCool winning, as I really can't see them surviving a throw through a table.
WWE DVD announcement: TOP 50 Superstars Of All Time - does anyone else predict that Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair aren't very high on the list, given that they're working for the competition right now! They'd be smart to hype up the fact that Hogan was a big deal 20 years ago, not anymore.
Wow, no kidding, a Smackdown Rebound? It's only because Edge was about to have a match!
Match - Edge vs Jack Swagger
Did they just announce a three-way Intercontinental Title Ladder Match for the pay per view? That's big news, and they just toss it in as a small piece of information.
Given what happened on Smackdown, shouldn't Dolph Ziggler and/or Kofi Kingston show up to interrupt this match and beat the hell out of Jack Swagger?
Outcome - Edge spears Jack Swagger and gets the win with no help from outside interference
That reminds me, where is Kane? Is he in the hospital with Paul Bearer? Are we to assume that Edge no longer has Bearer abducted?
Big Show is presenting Moment Of The Year, and it sounds like he's trying to compare these moments with some of the top moments in WWE history. Unless HBK's last match of his career - against Undertaker is the winner, I don't think the moment's going to be remembered much past 2011 by anyone.
Winner - Moment Of 2010 - Shawn Michaels' final match, fighting Undertaker at Wrestlemania
HBK gives his acceptance speech via satellite, and I'm not surprise... nor should anyone else be. If he showed up, they'd likely put him in some sort of angle, and that wasn't necessary.
For the remainder of this article, along with more than a half dozen polls to grab your perspective on RAW, read the full version over on www.GuysNation.com!