Bill Belichick Defeats Chicago Bears With the Conjuring of Tlaloc

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Bill Belichick Defeats Chicago Bears With the Conjuring of Tlaloc
Dilip Vishwanat/Getty Images

As the pot boiled red with the blood of the sacrificed children, the room grew dark and the nefarious leader of the dominant New England Patriots, known in this Earthly realm as "Bill Belichick," spoke the words of the Hymn of Bandali, his legion of captive souls cowering in subservience, and cast forth the wrath of the Aztec demigod Tlaloc to engulf the land of Chicago in snow, cold and devastation, the likes of which haven't been seen in that region since roughly six weeks ago.

Amidst the swirling wind and biting ice stood one man, the lone beacon of hope and freedom, justice and honor, and hair gel, who goes by the name of "Tom Brady." Wielding an arm of raw, unmitigated power, he is capable of throwing a football upwards of forty times per day with an accuracy that would make an elf-lord blush with envy. On this day, this man of glory took the field of war as the god of water raged and claimed a 36-7 victory and a 113.4 passer rating. A truly impressive victory which may be remembered for a long time to come; or at least until next Sunday. 

It was a game of passing, made necessary by the inability to determine where the ground actually was. Both Deion Branch and Wes Welker gathered over 100 yards and completed nearly six perfect snow angels, though Branch proved to be the only one capable of figuring out where the end-zone happened to be, thanks in part to an implanted infrared sensor that Belichick commissioned after last weeks effort against the Jets. "It doesn't hurt," he remarked while scratching vigorously. "It really helps with those late-night trips to the kitchen for a glass of water."

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On the other side of the field, Jay Cutler struggled in the face of the majesty and radiated reverence of Tom, who spent most of the game off the field casting affectionate and understanding smiles at the struggling quarterback while imbuing a sense of unnatural love and admiration. Managing only a 32.9 passer rating and a frustrating two interceptions with no touchdowns, Cutler seemed about ready to quit and build snowmen.

By the end of the game, which experts have estimated to have occurred somewhere near the middle of the second quarter, the Patriots took a commanding lead in the AFC East when combined with the Jets concurrent loss. With only three games left until the regular season concludes, the Patriots find themselves in excellent position to make a deep run into February. The only thing capable of stopping them is thermonuclear war. Thankfully, that seems unlikely to happen until at least Thursday. Until then, we can hold out hope that Belichick can find time in his busy day to wrest total control of the world and bring about a terror-induced sense of peace.

NOTES: Brandon Spikes, the now infamous linebacker who tested positive for Gorilla tranquilizers, began his four game suspension by appearing to shed an estimated 112 pounds of, as he is quoted as saying, "water weight." Reports have suggested that he will begin an intense and punishing "re-hydrating" regiment as soon as he is no longer being watched by federal investigators.

The Patriots next square off against Green Bay at Gillette Stadium, where Tom Brady will look to pad his consecutive home win record and prove his teams prowess as the playoffs quickly approach. I, meanwhile, will work to ensure that Belichick does not use his evil to bring snow, because I-95 is bad enough when it's dry and sunny and the last thing I want to deal with is ice this early in the year! Someone needs to steal his book of incantations before it's too late...

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