CFB: Five Ways To Make The Public Give A Crap About The Heisman Trophy (satire)

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CFB: Five Ways To Make The Public Give A Crap About The Heisman Trophy (satire)
Jeff Zelevansky/Getty Images
Frozen In Time. Someone should tell the Heisman Committee that leather helmets went out with Prohibition.

Not too long ago, the American public used to wait with bated breath for the announcement of who won the Heisman Trophy. Not anymore. The award is lucky if it generates a few Tweets and Facebook postings. Clearly, some changes need to be made:

1. Change Its Name To Tron.

Who knows who this guy Heisman is? And who really cares? You can look it up on the Internet to find out he was born in Cleveland in 1869.  That’s more than I need to know already. 

It’s time to start going for some brand recognition. Tie the trophy’s brand to a popular movie or video game. Or, better yet, tie it to a movie about a video game. And who doesn’t like Jeff Bridges?

2. Give A Free Heisman Coffee Mug To Every College Football Fan.

Everybody needs a coffee mug because coffee mugs are often accidentally smashed into little pieces. Trophy programs that lose their relevance are often accidentally smashed into little pieces, as well. Maybe you should look up the name of that coffee mug vendor right now, Heisman Committee. 

3. Make "Heisman 101" A Required Course.

Colleges don’t know what to teach anymore because China has locked up all the jobs that require skills. So why not institute Heisman 101 as a required course? You’ll have the national student body eating out of your hand as it strives for an A in this innovative educational offering.

Has the Heisman Trophy lost its relevance?

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4. Take Away The Trophy From The Last 10 Winners And Give It To Players Who Actually Did Something With Their Football Careers.

When Carson Palmer is the best you can do in 10 years, it’s time to make some revisions. Take the trophies away from the current group of losers and give them to people who are performing well in the NFL. It’s all about winning, Heisman Committee.

5.  Hire O.J. To Be The Heisman Spokesman.

O.J. Simpson might be the most famous person in the world. And (what luck!) he happens to be a Heisman alumnus. You can’t go wrong with O.J. Simpson as your mouthpiece. People listen to him, or else…

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