College Football Fans, Help Me Save Bleacher Report!

Gray GhostSenior Writer ISeptember 3, 2008

Yes, my fellow Bleacher Creatures, that is the face of anger!!!


This article could very well save the future of our beloved website!


Some of the most highly respected writers on Bleacher Report, as well as those in the national media, are in danger of facing serious litigation, unless they refrain from using the word c*pc*ke in their articles.


This seems to be especially true of those who write, and those who comment, about college football.


The flagrant use of that word has evoked the wrath of loyal fans who are incensed that their teams have been referred to as c*pc*kes, and also those whose teams have been accused of scheduling c*pc*kes.  


Unfortunately, the anger is not confined to the world of college football. Chefs, mothers, home-ec. teachers, and party store owners, are all outraged over how such a culinary delight could possibly be compared to such crappy teams.


Future Homemakers of America is also getting involved. They have reportedly contacted the same team of lawyers that successfully represented Dunkin' Donuts in proving that the word “cre*m-puf*s” should not be used in referring to out-of-shape football coaches.


We are obviously dealing with a highly offensive term.


In an attempt to help all of us who love college football avoid a nasty court-room battle, I am providing a list that will eliminate the need to use the “you-know-what” word.


These new terms were inspired by a visit to a local candy aisle, and are derived from the products of corporate giants who are too busy to be concerned with sports terminology.


Instead of saying “They played a c*pc*ke!”, you would choose one of the terms listed below as a respectable replacement. Here they are:



Junior Mints


All FCS schools.





Refers to those teams who once had a top ranking, but were unable to hold on. Clemson gets a free year's supply.





Say what?! You’re (snicker!) playing who? (snicker!) What a joke!





This refers to how many spots you will climb if you play this team. It’s the worst possible team to play if you need help in the polls.



Goo Goo Clusters


“Goo Goo” is the sound a baby makes. This handle is reserved for a very young team with no experience.





The School is noted for academics, not athletics. The team is loaded with academic All-Americans. Champs at Madden NCAA 08 – but chumps on Saturdays.



Hershey’s Hugs


Refers to a “friendly” opponent that is genuinely liked. This explains the low score. The excuse is that you really didn’t want to run the score up on them (unless you are Steve Spurrier).



Reese’s Pieces


Refers to teams that have suffered serious injuries that derailed their season.



Milk Duds


Teams that start out looking real good, but melt in the heat of high expectations.



Three Musketeers


They have a few good players, but the rest of the team stinks.