Reel Losers: 15 Sports Film Characters You Would Never Let Date Your Sister
Sports films drip with heroes like Roy Hobbs, Rocky Balboa, Jimmy Chitwood and a seemingly endless list of underdogs and über-talents.
But the villains—those unlikeable deviants, malcontents and madmen—are equally responsible for the ultimate success of the cinematic genre.
Let us, however, move beyond the screen and into "real life."
Which despicable characters would seep out like gum from the bottom of your shoe?
Now consider each of those men as a potential beau for your sister.
Mix those nefarious dudes and lil' sis and what comes out of the oven? The 15 sports film characters you would never let date your sister.
15. Jerry Maguire, "Jerry Maguire"
Jerry Maguire appears to be a "good guy" who stays loyal to his only client, Rod Tidwell, and realizes that his new bride, Dorothy, completes him.
Appearances, of course, are sometimes deceiving. Seriously, how can anyone trust a man who shouts "Show me the money!" into the phone. (Granted, he does so at his client's request. But still.)
Moreover, until his "you complete me" moment, Maguire treats his wife as little more than a nuisance.
14. Daniel Ruettiger, "Rudy"
Seems like a strange No. 14, given that Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger (Sean Astin) is an inspirational character—a David among Goliaths who beats the odds and lines up for Notre Dame.
Consider, though, his obsession; Rudy is defined by his role as a punching bag for the "real" Irish players.
Ask yourself: Do you want your sister dating a man who's so fixated on Notre Dame football that his life has no meaning without it?
13. Carl Spackler, "Caddyshack"
Carl Spackler's (Bill Murray) life as Bushwood Country Club's assistant greenskeeper seems sedate and innocent until he goes on a deranged witch hunt for a dancing gopher.
In the process, he destroys the country club with explosives. The irony? The furry rodent lives.
After the Bushwood debacle, one can assume Spackler is unemployed and incarcerated.
Certainly not date material.
12. Pete Bell, "Blue Chips"
If Pete Bell (Nick Nolte) is willing to skirt NCAA rules to rebuild a dying basketball program, how can anyone, let alone your sister, trust him?
Bell somewhat redeems himself in the end by confessing to his scandalous ways.
But once a cheater, always a cheater.
11. Jamal Jeffries/Juwanna Mann, "Juwanna Mann"
Jamal Jeffries (Miguel A. Núñez, Jr.), a has-been hoops stud, wants to play basketball so badly that he transforms himself into Juwanna Mann, an unstoppable force in the WUBA.
Let's look at the "wrongness" of it all:
1. Jeffries strips naked after being taken out of a game, which leads to his suspension from men's professional basketball. Verdict: Crybaby/exhibitionist.
2. Jeffries/Mann lies to the league, his teammates and the fans. Verdict: Dishonest.
3. (S)he lingers around barely clothed, unsuspecting women. Verdict: Peeping Tom/pervert.
4. (S)he wears makeup. Verdict: Gender identity issues.
Date worthy? I think not.
10. Ricky Vaughn, "Major League"
Ricky Vaughn (Charlie Sheen) becomes one of baseball's most feared pitchers, which is splendid for Cleveland.
But a potential boyfriend? Don't think so.
Vaughn is a womanizer, so arranging a date for your sister with "Wild Thing" is akin to setting her up with Charlie Sheen himself.
In other words, not a good idea.
9. Shooter, "Hoosiers"
Shooter (Dennis Hopper) brings nothing to the table; he's a middle-aged alcoholic with a propensity for embarrassing his teenage son.
For argument's sake, though, let's say Shooter stays sober. He's still unemployed, living in a backwoods Indiana shack and married to high school basketball.
Your sister would always be his third love (alcohol and the hardwood being one and two).
8. Shooter McGavin, "Happy Gilmore"
Shooter McGavin (Christopher McDonald) is a conceited a-hole.
Jealous of Happy Gilmore's sudden success, McGavin focuses on taking down the long-hitting, hockey jersey-wearing fan favorite.
In the process, he buys Gilmore's grandmother's house in an attempt to force the hotshot off the PGA Tour.
Shooter Mac is harmless, but your sister doesn't need the Tour's biggest tool on her arm.
7. Bud Kilmer, "Varsity Blues"
Bud Kilmer (Jon Voight) spends the entire film abusing, in one form or another, a group of 15- to 18-year-old high schoolers.
Have your sister date him if you wish, but be ready with a bag of ice for her black eye and a psychiatrist for her bruised soul, as Kilmer's penchant for physical and verbal abuse—or, in football terms, unnecessary roughness—is off the charts.
6. John Kreese, "The Karate Kid"
John Kreese (Martin Kove) devotes his life to persuading his star pupil, Johnny Lawrence, and other members of his Cobra Kai dojo to maim sweet, innocent Daniel LaRusso.
If you want your sister dating a self-absorbed, monomaniacal sociopath, look no further than Kreese.
5. Ivan Drago, "Rocky IV"
"If he dies, he dies."
That's what Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren) says after knocking out (and murdering) Apollo Creed during an exhibition boxing match.
In addition, Drago is a steroid freak, which certainly adds to his volatile temper.
Assuring that your sister avoids this rage-a-holic is a wise idea.
4. Teddy KGB, "Rounders"
Teddy KGB (John Malkovich) runs a covert, illegal gambling club in a depressed part of New York City.
But the seedy club is the least of his negative qualities. You see, Teddy's a Russian mobster with an affinity for Oreos (though the latter isn't really a concern).
Crossing this man might lead to a major beatdown and/or death.
If your sister's into Texas hold 'em and foreign mobsters, Teddy is perfect. Otherwise, sis needs to fold and stay away.
3. Clubber Lang, "Rocky III"
I pity the fool who dates Clubber Lang.
Lang (Mr. T), the hard-punching heavyweight who knocks out Rocky and basically kills his trainer, Mickey, is the meanest film boxer since...ever.
If your sister insists on a dinner-and-a-movie evening with a mohawked guy, make sure she chooses someone other than Lang.
If she dismisses such sage advice and agrees to date him, the prediction is...PAIN!
2. Chong Li, "Bloodsport"
Chong Li (Bolo Yeung) is Clubber Lang with more strength, quicker reflexes and a greater thirst for human suffering.
During the Kumite, an illegal karate competition held in underground Hong Kong, Li sends protagonist Frank Dux's pal, Ray, to the hospital.
When Dux fights Li for the Kumite championship, the antagonist nearly blinds our hero by throwing quicklime in his eyes.
A cheater + psychotic tendencies = not for your sister.
1. Tong Po, "Kickboxer"
Yes, numbers one and two are both villains from Jean-Claude Van Damme films. Deservedly so.
Tong Po (Michel Qissi) paralyzes Kurt Sloane's brother in a match in Thailand—after the towel's thrown in, no less—prompting Sloane's quest for vengeance.
Furthermore, Po assaults Sloane's quasi-girlfriend, Mylee, in beyond-ruthless fashion.
So what you have here is a dirty fighter with no respect for women or rules, which makes Tong Po the silver screen's most undateable sports character.