So last night, as I sat down to a nice hot dinner, I turned on ESPN like always and had a stroke of not-so-original genius.
What if I documented my reactions to this UCLA-Tennessee game? ORIGINAL, RIGHT???
Now I know I ruined all bleacher bums' days by coming out and admitting my lack of creativity.
So that means replying to this article with "you suck," or "way to copy so and so from such and such blah blah blah i don't care blah blah carrots," is useless.
Maybe you were not going to say either. In that case, pat yourself on the back, and get ready to pee yourself with glee as laughter ensues.
So let me tell you what I was looking for before this whole scheebang started. The list is as follows:
1. Beautiful UCLA cheerleaders
2. Beautiful people from LA
4. Phil Fulmer
5. UT cheerleaders
6. Crude comments from amateurish "sports writers" on bleacherreport.com
Let's begin shall we? Don't forget that list. It's all important but especially No. 6.
-What's with these orange pants? Tennessee might lose because of these sherbet-y, dreamsicle pants.
-Can't wait for Todd's taste of the town!!! What does LA cuisine have in store for us? *crosses fingers for CPK*
-Orange creamsicle pants
-I would TOTALLY let Rick Ne...Nehui...Neuhesil...that guy from Washington and Colorado...participate in my NCAA basketball pool. He seems nice.
-Phil Fulmer sighting! (6:30) He looks round tonight...sort of like the Western Kentucky mascot except in orange sherbet.
-1:24. First camera shot of UCLA cheerleaders, and the first quarter is coming to a close. UNACCEPTABLE. (Note: I know why they don't show them now. I almost missed that punt block because I wasn't looking at the play. Yikes!)
-Can we REALLY say that Pitt losing to Bowling Green was an upset? I have never thought Dave Wannstedt was a good coach, and how does he still have a coaching job?
End of 1st Quarter: UCLA: 7 Tennessee: 0
-J-CrOmPz (alternate name for Johnathon Crompton) has looked shaky. Rumor has it that the creamsicle pants have thrown him.
-Hardesty does his best Usain Bolt impression and BOLTS...for the end zone. Oh man.
-They have talked about Peyton Manning more than they have shown the UCLA cheerleaders. Wtf, mate?
-The Aflac trivia question ends up being TEE MARTIN HAHAHA!!! What an NFL Euro stud.
-1:19. Kevin Crap throws INT number 672 tonight. Tee Martin isn't looking half bad right about now.
-Daniel "I Kick Like Abraham" Lincoln misses. Again.
-It's just about halftime and all I can think about is the lack of UCLA cheerleader shots and how UCLA possibly remains in this game.
Halftime: Ricky boy's team: 7 Phat Phil's team: 14
-8:00ish Eric Berry just baptized someone. You don't mess with Texas. Or Tennessee.
-The Taste of the Town: The Apple Pan. This place looks tasty. A nice mom and pop burger joint in Tinsletown. I like it.
-1:00ish. Finally, a shot of the UCLA cheerleaders. This marks the first time in the second half. Including replays, I'm tallying seven to this point.
-Creamsicles: 14 Bruins: 10
-7:19 Apparently Christopher Lloyd brought the angels in the outfield to the Rose Bowl as Kevin "second half" Craft nails two amazing passes.
-And just like UCLA jumps ahead by three.
-Kevin Craft has become amazing in the matter of one quarter. Wow. J-Crompz on the other hand is getting rocked like a jukebox.
-1:54. My earlier suspicions were confirmed. Hardesty of the Vols IS actually Usain Bolt. Tenn: 21 USC's little brother: 17
-0:44. ANOTHER PHIL FULMER SIGHTING! How did we get so lucky. Now if we could just find those celebrities. I think they mentioned Wayne Gretzky, but I don't see him...
-0:27. And just like that, UCLA scores. We immediately get a shot of Phil's angry, orange back.
-This game is about to come down to an 0-2 kicker. Uh-oh.
-Lincoln nails it. Overtime.
-By the time I removed my contact lenses for a full night of slumber, UCLA had already knocked home a field goal.
-They just mentioned a classic Alabama loss to Georgia last year. Did somebody say War Eagle?
-Daniel "Kicks Like Abraham" Lincoln shanked it. Way to let your team down, buddy. They played so hard just so you could miss a chip shot in overtime. I bet your family is embarrassed. I bet your university is embarrassed. Good luck on campus, bro. Your life is so over.
-And without fail, the geniuses in the booth call Kevin Craft a star of the game. I will bet they have never said that about a dude who threw four INTs before. Wait, they say stuff like this all the time. Nevermind.
Why, in the fourth quarter, I believe it was Todd Blackledge that said "a safety for Tennessee actually benefits UCLA here" when UCLA had the bowl at their own goal line. Genius.
Final Score: UCLA: 27 Tennessee: 24
In summary, this game was a SMASH! Boy, did I pick a good one to watch. Remember that list? Well here are the results:
1. 10 UCLA cheerleader shots (including replays)
2. Five shots or random beautiful people in the Rose Bowl
3. Celebrities. We didn't do too well on this one. I don't think just mentioning Gretzky counts. I count Phil Fulmer as a celebrity though. So there is always that orange tub.
4. Phil Fulmer. I believe I covered this in No. 3. There were too many sightings to count.
5. UT cheerleaders. Only two by my count. I think SEC ladies are some of the finest around, and they should have gotten more lovin' from the camera.
6. See below.