COOPERSTOWN, NY -- The Baseball Hall of Fame is empty tonight, after authorities decided that all former inductees would be judged according to current standards.
"Instead of boring old statistics," said Ed Grimsley, Hall spokesman, "we went with the current method, which is to look for saint-like individuals who passed a battery of moral and legal tests."
Under the previous, "stupid" system, HOFers were chosen according to what they did on the field. Hard data, like batting averages and wins, were king.
"I'm the decider!," the numbers could say.
Or, "Mission Accomplished!"
Under the new, "improved" system, enshrinement is determined by how people "feel" about a player, or how "moral"' he is.
Do we like him? Do we trust him? Would we let him get to third base with us?
It works for high school prom queens, so it must work for pro sports.
First to go was horrible racist Ty Cobb, followed by carousing womanizer Babe Ruth. Next were heavy drinkers like Dizzy Dean and Mickey Mantle—what kind of message do they send to kids, Our Greatest Hope For the Future?
(Cut to vacant-eyed teenager picking nose and playing Grand Theft Auto III).
Anyone who smoked weed would also be out.
Because marijuana is a de-motivator, that's why!
So how did they reach the apex of their profession?
Shut up—just SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE, hippie.
Next out are chawers, cigarette smokers, benny-poppers, cokeheads, drunk drivers, and guys who cheated on their wives/girlfriends/boyfriends (I'm looking at you, Billy Beane!).
Atheists out. Liberals out. Democrats out. Independents out. McCain supporters out. Thinkers out.
And there we have it—Cooperstown is empty.
Don't we all feel much better now?
Mr. Tydeman edits his own humor bi-weekly, Our Bitter Times in Miami Beach.