Tom Brady Throws Four Touchdowns in Defeat of Lions, Washes Hair in Celebration

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Tom Brady Throws Four Touchdowns in Defeat of Lions, Washes Hair in Celebration
Leon Halip/Getty Images
Okay! I will wash it after the game!

I am horrified to admit that, and I feel divine retribution coming for even uttering such blasphemy, Brady's hair looked rather unpleasant on Thanksgiving Day. Perhaps he woke up a little late and didn't have time to rub in that second lathering of Herbal Essenses (Body Envy), but whatever the trouble, he looked in dire need of a cut, a comb and a generous washing. I can only hope that Gisele, in her infinite wisdom and billions of dollars, can provide him with a spa gift card in advance of the coming holidays.

Besides his hair, however, Brady had just about the best possible day. Passing for 341 yards, four touchdowns and a perfect 158.3 passer rating, he looked like he was having plenty of fun as the Patriots trounced the Detroit Lions 45-24 yesterday afternoon. Clearly in desperate, clinical need for some turkey and mashed potatoes, by game's end he was throwing touchdowns at a rate that caught the attention of the IRS, who are investigating as we speak.

It did look a little dicey for a while early in the game, however. The Lions actually managed, I imagine through extortion and threats of terrorism, to end the first half of the game with a seven-point lead over a New England team that looked completely confused as they entered the locker room. Perhaps it was because they realized, to their abject terror, that they were in fact, in Detroit and were frantically searching for the exits.

Belichick corrected this troubling mindset, however, by gently encouraging his team to rise to the challenge by sacrificing Matt Light with a sharpened letter opener and drinking the blood of a newborn baby (origin unknown). His team responded by changing their underwear, and proceeding to hold the Lions to a paltry seven points while scoring an impressive 35 points.

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After the game, the Lions spent most of their remaining energy trying to find evidence that Brady did not actually go to Michigan, or didn't actually graduate, or is actually an alien from the planet Wezelbeck (Andromeda). Brady, meanwhile, tried his best to seem as humble as a man can be after brutally destroying a team and looking as perfect as any man can be with hair as oily as a broken down 1954 Chevrolet. 

"I don't think we're at where we need to be at," he was quoted as saying, in between shotgun bursts of stifled laughter. "I think I would be much happier if we could have scored three or four more touchdowns."

"He's like a surgeon," Detroit center Dominic Raiola told the press while shuffling papers stolen from the Michigan University archives. "In unrelated news, does anyone have a spare kidney?"

I would also like to mention the fine job of the newly minted Ben Green, who rushed for 59 yards and scored two touchdowns without ever touching the ball. Deion Branch also averaged 37.7 yards per catch and has maintained his running streak of 27 consecutive touchdowns without spilling his beer.  And finally, Wes Welker, having his routine maintenance finally completed, caught eight passes and scored two touchdowns, looking genuinely happy for the first time since he was first built in 1623 by the Duke of Edinburgh.

Next week, the Pats return to Gillette Stadium to battle the New York Jets. It will be a spectacular game, instrumental in determining the winner of the AFC East, and could be the triumphant moment of Brady's record-breaking 26th consecutive appearance in Cosmopolitan. I can only hope that I am able to recover fully from my tryptophan-induced stroke that has caused me to switch unexpectedly the occasional verb with the square root of 17.

Until Monday night, enjoy the rest of your Thanksgiving vacation by finishing your Christmas 4.12ing and catching up on your sleep and watching what's left of the week's football on Sunday. Also, eat the rest of the stuffing before the dog figures out how to open the refrigerator.

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