Georgia Concedes 2 Losses (Satire)

Barry ChristianContributor IAugust 30, 2008

This season is already starting with big surprises. At his regular morning press conference, Mark Richt, head coach for the University of Georgia Bulldogs football team, announced that they will concede two games this year, and he even left some wiggle room for conceding more games. His brief, prepared statement before accepting questions was as follows: "We, the coaching staff, athletic department, and school administration, consistent with our mission, vision, and values as a university for the education, improvement, and protection of our student-athletes have decided to concede two games this season. Some adjustments may need to be made later in the season when and if circumstances call for this and if this is the case, we will make these announcements at least one week before the game we will concede. We hope our fans and supporters understand that we are doing this in the best interest of our student-athletes."

The room went completely silent for at least several seconds as those present sat stunned, before the reporters began to clamor for attention. The first reporter selected to ask a question did what any of the others would have done. he asked, "Why?"

Richt said "Listen, this was a tough decision, but we have to primarily be concerned with the health and welfare of this group of young men that have been put in our care by trusting parents. These games can cause injuries that could affect a player for the rest of his life. If a game is a foregone conclusion, then why play it all. There is nothing to gain. Our staff have carefully listened to what all of the experts say about our tough schedule. Almost every one of them says we will lose at least one game and most of them say we will lose two. They really don't give us much chance to even win our division. So, since they must be right because nobody would pay them to be so wrong, we figured that we would mitigate our risks by conceding our two most competetive games."

Question: "You must be kidding! Are you serious?"

Richt: "No, we are serious as a heart-attack."

Question: "But this makes no sense. Why would you listen to the so-called experts? How often are they right?"

Richt: "Well, I am sure that CBS, ESPN, ABC, Lindy, and all of the rest don't pay these guys to be wrong."

Question: "Okay, for the sake of the argument, I will accept your premise. Which games will you concede?"

Richt: "At this stage of the season it is almost impossible to say which games, but our people who listen to every word that is said by the experts tell us that it will most likely be Florida and LSU, but it could also be Tennessee, South Carolina, Auburn, Arizona State, or even Alabama. We will announce which games later, but my best guess would be Florida and LSU at this time."

Question: "What do the players think about this?"

Richt: "Well, being young, inexperienced men who think they are invincible, they aren't too happy about it. But, part of being an adult is telling young people what is good for them and enforcing that."

Question: "what about next year?"

Richt: "Good question. That is part of what this is about. Our schedule for next year looks much easier. So, unless something changes, we will probably not concede any games next year and we might even make it to the national championship then."

Question: "What about the seniors who hoped for a shot at the national championship or at least an SEC championship this year?"

Richt: "That is too bad, but this will be a character building experience for them. They will always remember that playing the game is not nearly as important or decisive as pre-game analysis and predictions by experts."

Question: "But that makes no sense at all? It goes against everything that sports is about!"

Richt "Was that a question? I didn't hear a question."

Question: "Okay, I will rephrase it. Are you a complete idiot? You must be kidding!"

Richt: "In answer to your question, no. I am not an idiot."

Richt: Anyone else. No one? Okay. Well, thank you and GO Dawgs!!!

Disclaimer: Please note that this article is flagged as humor(satire). It isn't real. None of the events depicted really happened. Georgia is not conceding any games. It is written to make a point by being ridiculous. My point should be obvious, but if it isn't have someone with more reading comprehension explain it to you.