Breaking News: The ever-escalating Roger Federer versus Rafael Nadal fan wars rage on.
The mercury core on the verbal abuse thermometer threatens to burst.
The High Lords of Tennis Land issued demands to spare no quarter in perpetuating the current sturm und drang of tennis mania that continually generate controversial headlines in the international media.
The eye of the storm centers on the raging controversy over who is better—Rafa or Roger?
As a result of the spike in popularity of tennis since the wars began, creation of a series of “Rafa-Roger” clones were given top priority by tennis authorities at a recent meeting in Geneva, according to our sources.
All requisite body parts have been carefully measured for exact replication.
Those eye-popping statistics are being sealed in a lead-lined vault to ensure complete secrecy.
Any hint of those factoids would blow the lid on the whole “who's better” debate and render one party entirely null and void.
Rabid fans on either side of the controversy continually scream and bombard each other with vile, often infantile remarks accented with equally obscene gestures.
The parties war over every move on and off court as well as every word spoken, hoping to embellish the perspective that their favored player—Rafa or Roger—is better, kinder, sweeter and more humble.
What is more “he” is the only tennis player worthy of world-wide adulation.
According to both sides in this court-side war, there is room for only one champion, which means total abjuration of the other.
A positive word for one player automatically means a negative for the other—yin and yang, black and white, up or down.
It has been rumored that the birth of this melee came about as Bjorn Borg favored one player, then the other as Federer, then Nadal moved in on the Swede’s major records.
Many conjecture this was an attempt by Borg to distract tennis authorities away from a definitive GOAT proclamation—passing the Swede by altogether.
Lately, even John McEnroe has stepped into the fray throwing his weight behind the Rafa camp, hoping to remain relevant as the swell of controversy passes him by.
Rumor has it that there is a new reality show in development tentatively entitled The Great Fan Wars to be hosted by Justin Gimelstob.
So far all we have learned is that apparently, teams of Rafa and Roger warriors stand behind walls and call each other names much in the style of Monty Python's sketch entitled Ministry of Silly Walks.
Details are sketchy at this point.
The worry has been that with Roger Federer nearing age 30, the blitzkrieg of blood-dripping headlines, dividing nations, satellite states and even families could end with his departure from the game.
Add to that disaster the constant worry about Rafa’s knees.
What happens when the Majorcan can no longer compete in a year or two?
What would the fate of tennis be if these two were demagnetized?
Who would bring in the press? What advertisers would pay the big dollars—what fans would fill the stands without these two luminaries headlining tournaments?
Simply put, tennis cannot afford to be without either of these men and that means only one thing—either the Dorian Gray prescription for eternal youth.
Or, more practically, tennis cloning.
The problem with cloning tennis stars, however, is that each new replicate is three inches shorter than his predecessor. In the 4G model, the participant Rafa or Roger would be just a little over five feet tall.
The cloning team, deep in study and research, hopes for innovations in the process. They are also studying the effects of miniaturization of tennis courts.
Nike has been experimenting with lifts as well.
As the Tennis Lords race to meet the demand to perpetuate this rivalry because of its media appeal, fans continue to arm themselves for a full-out assault as the first major gets underway at the 2011 Australian Open down under.
There have been rumors of on-court brawling—but at the Aussie Open, who would know the difference?
Stay tuned for more major breaking developments in this riveting story...