This Just In: The Dodgers Suck

Matt ColcleasureContributor IAugust 29, 2008

This is not really breaking news to those of us who have had to suffer through an entire season of Andruw Jones creating his own jet stream, while the Dodgers offense combined to score less than all of the chess club presidents of the world on prom night. But for those who may have followed Manny Ramirez and his hair out west, this recent nosedive may be coming as quite a shock. Well, I have news for all of you Manny-ites. The Dodgers stunk before he and his greasy dreads rolled into town. Now that the dreads have been cut, and the luster has waned, the Dodgers suck once again.

Yes, the Dodgers have one of the best Team ERA's in the National League but they also rank at the bottom for runs scored. To say their offense has been anemic would be an insult to the word anemic. The Dodgers offense has been pathetic. Jones would be the worst free agent signing ever by the Dodgers if Jason Schmidt and his 82 mph fastball didn't already hold that title. Jeff Kent shaved his moustache, thus ending any hopes of a porn career after baseball, but was unable to shave any years off of his old frame.  Nomar has been busy all year doing what he does best. Just waking up in the morning puts him on the 15-day DL. They traded a Blake for a Mr. Blake at third base without a ripple and James Loney is having a monster year, leading the Dodgers onslaught with a paltry 72 RBI heading into September. I don't even know who is playing shortstop for the Dodgers and I don't think they know either. And with all due respect to a grinder, how the hell is Russell Martin an All-Star catcher?

Yes kids, the Dodgers are awful. They are 4 games under .500 with 28 games to play. Thanks very much, we have some parting gifts for you at the door. But wait, they are only three and a half games out?

This just in: Dodgers are playoff contenders.

Stay tuned.