Running Observations On the First Thursday Night of College Football Season

Frank AhrensSenior Writer IAugust 28, 2008

A) It's great to see college football on TV again, even if it's South Carolina and N.C. State.

B) Man, these guys look slow.

C) Hope the N.C. State quarterback's okay.

D) South Carolina's kicker is named "Succop." Hahaha. Even Fowler made fun of it.

E) Jesse, baby: Please take the halftime opportunity to retie your tie. The tip must at least *touch* the top of your belt buckle. Right now, it's hovering a good three inches above it. That may have worked on "The Bachelor," but not here, son.

F) Oregon State: Bad unis, worse nickname.

G) "Ask Dr. Lou?"

H) Whole sections of the Stanford stadium are empty.

I) The abolition of the five-yard facemask penalty—this year, all facemasks get 15 yards —will add 150 yards to Noel Devine runs this season.

J) If I wasn't so irritated by Lou Holtz, I would feel sorry for him. ESPN is now trotting him out like a decrepit sideshow freak and making him dance. "What can we make Lou do now?" The "Dr. Lou" segment is only his most recent indignity. The aphorism-spouting doppleganger for Granny from "The Beverly Hillbillies" makes the wit and wisdom of the late Erma Bombeck seem cutting-edge. Mother-in-law jokes, Lou?

K) Fowler gives Jesse a red rose in homage to "The Bachelor." (The tie, Jesse! Fix the tie!) Craig James makes obligatory and expected homophobic joke.

L) Erin Andrews: Also back for another season.

M) What color would you say that field is at Stanford? Sage? Eucaplyptus?

N) I think Jim Harbaugh could be played in the movie version of the Stanford Cardinal by Bill Paxton in "Aliens:" "We're screwed!"

O) And Tom O'Brien left Boston College for N.C. State. Why?

P) Gotta say: Kinda rooting for Stanford.

Q) The crowd at Stanford sounds about as enthusiastic as the crowd at a Wednesday game between the Braves and the Astros on TBS in the mid'-80s.

R) Okay, this South Carolina-N.C. State game is unwatchable. At least it's still daylight in Palo Alto. And one of the announcers is Jack Arute, which to me always sounded like a baby Australian animal of some sort. "Crikey! Watch out for the Jackaroots when ya'r driving about the Outback, mate!"

S) Most compelling programming to come out of South Carolina-N.C. State game thus far: QB's injuries limited to concussion, it appears. Which is good news, considering he was immobilized and carted out on a stretcher. Game still stinks.

T) Notable Stanfordian: Condi Rice. Notable Oregon Statian: Linus Pauling. We'll call that a push. (Note: Famous Oregon State alums listed on a Web site under the heading, "Amazing Beavers." Okay, you've got to know what you're doing when you write this.)

U) Why on Earth does the NCAA still allow South Carolina to call themselves the "Gamecocks?" The NFL would never allow one of its teams to call itself the Redski...never mind.

V) I cannot believe WVU's offense—for that matter, Villanova's offense—will look as inept on Saturday as any of the four offenses I'm watching right now.

W) Tositos with a Hint of Lime: delicious!

X) By dint of its 40-7 win over Eastern Kentucky, Cincinnati is in first place in the Big East.

Y) Sigh. Jesse refuses to fix his tie. In fact, I think it's actually getting shorter as the game drags, er, goes on.

Z) Ryan Perriloux's debut at Jacksonville State not working out so well: Down 41-7 to Georgia Tech and its new triple-option, wormhole-enabled offense. Meanwhile, UConn making a bid for a share of first place in the Big East nursing a 35-3 fourth-quarter lead over Hofstra.

AA) Whoa! Oregon State scored a touchdown while I wasn't looking. And there goes a Stanford cat named Finally scores.

BB) I think Craig James just tried to imply that Jesse is gay. "I'm finding out what your likings are," he said. Fowler: "There's nothing wrong with liking tennis, Tex."

CC) Perriloux: 2 INTs. Georgia Tech: Averaging 7.7 yards per rush.

DD) Will N.C. State score a touchdown all season?

EE) Stanford is offering season ticket holders a money-back guarantee: If the team has not provided sufficient entertainment value, fans an ask for their ticket price back. I think N.C. State and South Carolina should be compelled to offer such a deal after this game.

FF) Cincy QB Dustin Grutza threw three TDs and ran for another. Why, exactly, is Ben Mauk trying to get a 12th year of eligibility?

GG) South Carolina also has a player named "Smelley." Hahaha.

HH) N.C. State really, really stinks.

II) N.C. State actually giving up right now. Coach Tom O'Brien may set fire to his players after this game is over.

JJ) Chris Smelley: Change the Gamecocks can believe in.

KK) The third N.C. State QB of the night, Beck, has upper arms like a pudgy little baby, if that baby weighed 220 pounds.

LL) "Hello, B.C.? Yeah, this is Tom. O'Brien. Tom O'Brien, the last coach? Right, that's me. Listen, am I doing? Well, that's why I'm calling. Do you happen to have any, well, openings in your football program? Yes, yes, I'm aware you hired someone to replace me. Maybe something more junior. Did you replace my AV guy? You did? Okay, well, listen. If something opens, can you call? Okay, thanks."

MM) Hahaha. Spurrier's throwing deep up 27 with four minutes left in the game. Hahaha.

NN) The bottom of Jesse's tie now at nipple-level. Ladies, he's still single!

OO) Those alternate-home Oregon unis (yellow helmet, yellow tops, green pants) would have fit right in in "Logan's Run."

PP) South Carolina shows all the mercy of a horde of marauding Visigoths presented with a defenseless orphan nuns, throws TD pass in closing minutes, beats hapless N.C. State 34-0. Starting the college football season with a game like this is like starting a seven-course gourmet meal with baked poo pie.

QQ) Can now flip over full time to Stanford-Awesome Beavers game. But first: beverage break!

RR) All right. Back and settled in to watch the final one-third of some lower mid-level Pac 10 football!

SS) The funniest thing in football? A bunch of jumping players signaling "safety."

TT) Okay, maybe that's not as funny as a hulking lineman trying not to clip, indeed, to not even touch an opposing player from behind, running with his arms pulled in and his palms up, as if he's refusing a hot dish someone is trying to hand him.

UU) Woo, boy, this Toby Gerhart kid is SHOWIN' me something! Probably has a 4.2 in aerospace engineering, too.

VV) Stanford up by nine at the start of the fourth quarter. Raise Harbaugh Intensity Level to Orange.

WW) Frank is doing the rest of this posting in Facebook updates. 2 minutes ago

XX) Frank is Stanford iz da shizzle lol 35-20!!!! 1 minutes ago

YY) Frank is working on his front door light. 12 minutes ago

ZZ) Frank is WHOA ITZ A GAME AGAIN!!!! A moment ago

AAA) Frank is catch stnfrd fver!!!! 2 minutes ago

BBB) Like a fat man overfed at a Vegas buffett, Frank is gorged and happy after his first day of this glorious season.

CCC) Next time, use numbers.




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