With all the self help books out there and Handy man web sites I decided that Bleacherreport.com needed someone to step up and give people a step by step guide to all things related to sports. I would love to make this a weekly thing but that all depends on how you, the readers, like it.
So with out further ramblings, here is the 1st (and maybe last) How to Helper.
How to throw the greatest college football party ever.
Fans, members of the opposite sex, rival fan, food, drinks, soft objects, and a TV.
1. Pick a game against your teams rival. Picking a game against a cupcake or twinkie team will not have the same effect. You need a big game. UofM vs. OSU, FL vs FSU, or something along those lines. (LSU vs. App. St does not count.)
2. Find a spot that you don't mind getting dirty. This place should be able to withstand the grossest of things. Puke, blood, and bodily fluids may end up on the wall before this night is done. (That room in your mom's house that you are not allowed in should not be used.) The best place is typically a garage or unfinished basement.
3. Get food catered in. Do you really want to be the one sitting outside grilling burgers while your team makes an amazing play? I didn't think so. It is much better to pay Yesterdog or Chilis to make the food and clean up the mess.
4. Buy a keg. Trust me, this is a must.
5. Invite a single opposing teams fan over. It is much more fun if you can mock, taunt, and harass someone who roots for the other team. Plus if there is only one of them then most likely you and the rest of the people there can take him or her (Yes it can be a her, but only if she is a die hard fan.)
6. Drink. Ah the joy of having a beer or ten while watching a game.
7. Eat until you almost puke. You paid for the food, get the most out of it. A bonus to this is that you can drink more without making an jackass of yourself.
8. Watch game. This part is important, as that is the main reason for throwing the party.
9. Hug anyone wearing your teams colors after a big play. If you are not comfortable doing this repeat step 6.
10. Dump a bag of chips or throw random soft objects at opposing teams fan when his/her team makes a good play. Hard objects are not good to throw as a trip to the hospital is not the desired result of the party. If you are uncomfortable doing this repeat step 6.
**Caution** Repeating step 6 to many times may cause you to miss the end of the game. Plus you may end up with male genital drawn on your face.
11 (If your team wins). Celebrate win by partying the rest of the night with your fellow fans. IF (and that is a big if) the fan of the opposing team is still there, invite them out to. They deserve it after putting up with all the taunting and random objects tossed in their direction. Find the prettiest (or most willing) member of the opposite sex and celebrate with them. It is a great day to be you, might as well keep it going.
11 (If your team loses). Find the prettiest (or most willing) member of the opposite sex and try to console them by taking them by taking them back to your place (or go to their place if you live w/ your mom). Hey your team may not have won but you could still win if you play your card right.
12. The next morning. Wake up with a killer hang over, look over at the person laying next to you and either A) Bring them a glass of water with some aspirin (they will need it if you were able to get them to go back w/ you) and try for some morning nookie. Or B) Chew off your arm coyote style, grab any of your clothes that you see, and leave. (If you aren't their in the morning, maybe they will not remember that it happened.)
So there you go. This is your official guide to throwing the Greatest College Football Pary EVER!!