Hope in College Football: The Top 25 Edition
As of right now, college football has not started yet, and therefore we are in the waning moments of a hope-filled season. It is the time of year when everyone's team is undefeated, and they all have a chance. Some of those hopes and dreams are unrealistic, but we have them nonetheless.
So before most of our dreams are destroyed by reality, let's take a little time out to hope. Like Andy Dufresne said, "Hope is a good thing—maybe the best of things."
I have listed 25 things I hope for this upcoming season. It is loosely based on the top 25 rankings. If I don't mention your team, don't hate because I said LOOSELY.
As many of you know, I am a huge Longhorn fan, but in the interest of solidarity or unbiased...ness (?) or something, I'll try to keep that out of the top 25.
However, you know I can't write an article and not talk some Longhorn football, so soon to follow this article will be another about the top 10 things I hope for the Longhorns this season.
1. I hope UGA does not make the BCS title game. I never really liked the Dawgs, and now that I live here in Atlanta, I like them even less. Now I know a lot of grads and I'm actually dating one, so it's not a personal thing—I just don't like them. It's my list! Feel free to comment or come back with your own.
2. I hope that somehow the Buckeyes redeem themselves without winning the National Championship. They have enough of them and are super cocky, but man they have a received a lot of crap from everyone.
3. I hope that Mark Sanchez is the real deal (he seems like a really good kid), but that USC loses to Stanford AGAIN! Wouldn't that be so fun, and such a head scratcher? Maybe a loss to UCLA would be cool too.
4. I hope that the Chokelahoma Sooners lose every single game they participate in. I hope they somehow lose practices too! I hope that Sam Bradford rebounds with THE WORST QB efficiency rating ever.
I hope that the entire Oklahoma Sooner athletic department is involved in a scandal of epic proportions that involves cheating (naturally), gambling, inbreeding, and beastiality. The NCAA would be forced to hand out the death penalty, but due to its hypocritical nature could not enforce it for very long. However, all sports teams would be dismantled and the athletic director sent to prison.
In an extremely ironic turn of events, Oklahoma would turn to the last football player to not actually be convicted of a crime while wearing an OU uniform. That's right—Josh Jarboe will become the new AD. He would then establish "Lollipop" by Lil' Wayne as the new fight song and hire his posse as "consultants."
The chants of 80,000 rednecks singing about licking a (w)rapper would fill the air in Norman, Oklahoma on every Saturday afternoon in the fall. A boy can dream, can't he?
5. I hope Florida does better but doesn't win it all. I hope that Tim Tebow does well but doesn't win another Heisman. I hope they cure ACL tears for all mankind.
6. I hope Mizzou is very good but loses mizzou-erably (sorry) to Texas in the regular season and in the Big 12 championship. Then I would like Chase Daniels to break down over his failure and apologize to Texas for not going there, even if he wasn't their first choice. I would also like him to apologize for beating my Lufkin Panthers in the Texas state playoffs when he was the QB for Southlake Carroll.
7. I hope LSU is very good, but not great. I hope that Les Miles says something that even LSU fans are like, "That mofo is crazy as shiznit!" I hope that Andrew Hatch is good, because let's face it—if you transfer from Harvard to LSU, it better be for football...and if you fail at football after that transfer, then you've made a baaaaaad decision. I hope that Justin Goar still lets me tailgate with him after this.
8. I hope WVU moves on from RichRod. Seriously, stop crying.
9. I hope Clemson picks a direction: Either dominate with all that talent you have, or fail and actually fire Bowden this time. Also, I hope a number of HD TVs explode when trying to reproduce that color combo.
10. I hope Auburn develops another stellar D-coordinator for Texas to lure away whenever Will Muschamp decides to move on.
11. Texas hopes later... Non-top 25 hopes now.
A. A&M sucks hard.
B. Mike Gundy gives us more criteria on manhood worthy of soundbites. I would love to have one of those keychain things with the buttons that play little sound clips, and they're all crazy things on manhood from Mike Gundy.
C. I hope Ty Will and UW succeed. I like him, I like the state of Washington, I like UW, I like the color purple, I like the movie The Color Purple but not as much as Purple Rain, and I hope some writer critical of Ty receives a purple nurple from Ty as punishment.
D. I hope South Carolina is really good, goes to a BCS game vs. Southern Cal, and then the winner gets naming rights to USC. As a pregame pep talk, Christopher Walken would come in dressed as Bruce Dickinson and tell them that Carolina is the Cock of the Walk!
12. I hope Texas Tech wins every big game (except vs. Texas) and loses every easy game and ends up something like 6-6 and confuses the hell out of everyone, causing them to never hype them again. Then Michael Crabtree transfers to Texas. Ha ha.
13. No thoughts on Wisconsin, so...
A. I hope FSU and Miami come back to glory...sorta. I mean, I don't want them perennial top five, but it feels weird with them being so bad. Plus it gives UF too many recruits. Bobby Bowden is a great guy, even if he needs to go. As much as I hate Miami, Randy Shannon has an amazing story and deserves some success.
B. I hope that Bobby Petrino fails...at life...and that Arkansas joins the Big 12.
C. I hope that they replace Dave Wannstedt with Tom Selleck during the middle of a game and no one notices. Then like three games later, some reporter says, "Hey aren't you that guy from 3 Men and a Baby?" and he replies "Yeah. So what? No more questions for me, from now on direct your questions to assistant coach Guttenberg."
14. I hope Kansas stays pretty good—it helps the Big 12. I also hope that Mark Mangino loses a lot of weight. I mean, I love to make fun of the great Mangina as much as anyone, but seriously, that's unhealthy and he could die very easily. I'm completely serious when I say I hope he gets some help.
15. I hope ASU's Rudy Carpenter talks trash about Texas before every game. We saw how well that worked out for us. Plus I hope someone actually challenges USC for the conference.
16. I hope BYU doesn't crash the party.
17. I hope Sean Glennon and VT are very successful. Embattled, criticized QBs make me sad. I like a lot of things about people involved with the VT program. I wish them success. I also think that even though the shooting was a couple years ago, the VT fans deserve good feelings—and if football can provide that, more power to them!
18. I hope Tennessee gets sued by the makers of the Dreamsicle for using their colors. After losing that part of their identity, they also make the decision to no longer be referred to as UT, because of the confusion with Texas and the fear that Texas might female-dog-slap them too. On a positive note, I hope Phil Fulmer sues the state of Alabama and wins. SEC media day was bush league, 'Bama.
19. I hope USF's fans realize they haven't actually had that much success on the field yet and decide to shut up until then.
20. I hope that there's a limit on how many times an announcer can say "The Juice is loose" during an Illinois game.
I mean, I hope it's said at least once, but after that the co-anchor or whatever they're called should just be really disgusted and say something like, "Seriously? You're gonna go there? All that education and that's what you come up with? You're so white." "What? I'm not white! Mike Tirico knows no racial boundaries! Mike Tirico is a sports phenomenon, and you will recognize his superior wit and non-regional dialect!"
21. I hope that Phil Knight brings back the Nike Air Zoom RS+ and gives me a free pair because I love the Ducks soooo much! Go Ducks!
22. I hope that Penn State is really good, and that Joe Pa finds a suitable host to transplant his brain into, therefore completing the next step in his quest for literal college football immortality! Muahhahahahahaha Muah hahahaha!
23. I hope that Wake Forest loses to Baylor. It would be good for the Big 12, and those guys need something good to happen on the field.
24. I hope that Nick Saban forgets to put on his mask before coming out for a game and the largely Southern Evangelical Christian fanbase at 'Bama gets extremely conflicted when they realize Beelzebub is coaching their football team. I HOPE that they choose Jesus over football, but I wouldn't put any money on it.
25. OK, so I didn't realize that Pitt could actually be in the top 25 despite their lack of success, so I talked about them earlier. So I'll look at the USA Today poll and go with...Michigan.
I hope that Michigan goes like 4-8 or something and is horrible. I like Michigan and I know RichRod will make them really good, but I think it would be fun and bizarro to see them horrible. Plus it might make pollsters stop slurping them unnecessarily.
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