Investigation Uncovers Dirt on All FBS Players, Heisman Ceremony Called Off

Auburn's Cameron Newton, apparently, isn't the only Heisman candidate with a sketchy past.

The NCAA concluded a month-long investigation Friday and determined that every FBS player has at least one proverbial skeleton in his closet.

As a result of the probe, the NCAA, in cooperation with the Downtown Athletic Club, has decided to cancel the 2010 Heisman ceremony, thus leaving college football's greatest individual award vacant until, as the NCAA's director of cheating and scandal so eloquently put it, "we can find a student-athlete who's not a scuzzbag."

According to the report, unofficially titled "Screw Cam," the leading Heisman contenders (not including Newton, whose exploits are already well documented) are guilty of the following infractions:

LaMichael James, RB, Oregon: At age seven, James jaywalked and angered a law-abiding pedestrian.

Kellen Moore, QB, Boise State: Found guilty of propaganda for distributing posters claiming that "Boise State deserves a title shot, gosh darn it."

Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford: Stole a Snickers from Wal-Mart in 1995.

Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State: As a high school sophomore, changed "4.33" to "4.29" on the 40-yard dash chart.

Denard Robinson, QB, Michigan: Sold illegally-obtained dreadlocks on the Black Market.

Terrelle Pryor, QB, Ohio State: Received detention for flatulence in fourth grade.

Ricky Stanzi, QB, Iowa: Professed that his family's farm contained a "magic beanstalk" when, in fact, it did not.

The NCAA's initial inquiry found that only one player, Indiana punter Chris Hagerup, had, in his 21 years, led a perfect life.

As the investigation tightened, however, several witnesses came forward and indicated that Hagerup failed to say "Excuse me" after sneezing in church nearly a year ago. Each witness subsequently passed a polygraph test, essentially ending the Hoosier junior's Heisman hopes.

With no viable candidate, the NCAA and the Downtown Athletic Club had no choice but to squash the December festivities, according to a Heisman spokesperson.

"Since the Heisman has everything to do with off-field behavior and nothing to do with on-field performance," he said, "we feel that no one deserves the award in 2010."

Next season, though, looks promising.

Said one "Screw Cam" committee member, speaking on the condition of anonymity: "With so many angelic recruits entering college next year, I'm confident we can find a Christ-like figure, à la Tim Tebow, who's Heisman worthy."

Amen.