The longest week a college football fanatic can experience has arrived.
Months of research and speculation have come to an end. The depth chart has been thoroughly analyzed. The schedule has been reviewed.
Your knowledge is supreme. The games are just a formality. You know what is going to happen. The opposing players and their tendencies are now second nature. You would be the best coach in the SEC.
Well, you would be a better coach than Les Miles, that talentless, tall-hatted windbag.
One final week to declare your knowledge from the mountaintop. One week to intimidate all you meet with your immense knowledge and rapier wit. Your outlandish predictions start to sound possible.
The more you say, "Dude, I know this sounds crazy, but Jacksonville State is going to kill Georgia Tech. They've got Ryan Perrilloux! Plus, Georgia Tech's coach was at Army or the Coast Guard or something last year. He totally sucks"—the more likely it seems.
You are still unconvinced of Tim Tebow's throwing abilities: "Sure, he threw the occasional good pass last year, but can he take another pounding? I don't think so! South Carolina: SEC East champs!"
Your predicted BCS championship game—BYU vs. Wake Forest—was deduced by a complex equation of your own creation.
You would explain, but it would take too long.
The tailgate leading up to the game is where you really shine. You down warm Coronas and loudly proclaim yourself to be the "greatest college football strategist of all time. My football knowledge is untouched, and I will one day rain fire and brimstone upon the uncovered heads of the nonbelievers!"
Your girlfriend Alice and your three-legged dog Steve are not amused.
Who are you? No one. Everyone.
Every college football fan-base contains one of you. For better or worse, you are the one most recognized: the one that opposing fans and media grasp and refuse to let go.
You come in many different forms.
You might like large murals of long-dead coaches on your back.
Or perhaps you like to paint purple and gold tiger stripes all over your body.
Or maybe you don your Wal-Mart jersey and hold high your shag rug pennant for all to see.
You may even like running onto the playing field wearing nothing but a plastic hog's head and what appears to be a G-string.
I am not here to judge you, megalomanic college football guy. I love you.
You are one of the most entertaining and interesting sub-species of human. I want to study you. I want to mate with your females and produce beautiful hybrid children.
Only 3 more days. See you soon, that guy.
Full article, with pictures, can be found here.
11 comments Last one added 10 months ago — Leave a Comment
Mark Rupert 10 months ago
Ben. That's the funniest thing I've read in a while. The shot of the gators by the bridge in Jacksonville, goes perfectly with the article.
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Ben White 10 months ago
Thanks Mark.
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Brian Hood 10 months ago
hahaha, funny man. By the picture we can't tell if they're wearing "Jorts" ..but I'm sure they are.
At the time of my writing, we are 15 1/2 hours away from kickoff. How great is it that the first game is an SEC game.
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Ben White 10 months ago
Thanks Brian. You are correct, they are wearing jorts. I had to crop the picture and take them out.
It is getting very,very close. It feels good.
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L.J. Burgess 10 months ago
I found this article here;
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/sioncampus/08/28/seven-reasons-to-watch-the-gators/
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Ben White 10 months ago
Thanks for the heads up L.J.
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Joe G 10 months ago
The picture of the Tennessee fan who loves Wal-Mart a little too much was only made better by the presence of not one but two UofM icons on his car. I hate Wal-Mart Wolverines...
Good stuff!
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Ben White 10 months ago
Thanks Joe.
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J. Michael Morris 10 months ago
Too accurate to be hilarious. I worked with a guy who bought a Purple Jeep with Yellow pinstriping and a LSU rules license plate holder. Well, outside of Louisiana a guy in a purple Jeep doesn't really translate into football fan.
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Steven Resnick 10 months ago
Delusional college fans think that Ohio State is number 1 yet they pack their schedule with teams that a division 2 school could beat. Youngstown State, Ohio University, Troy, Minnesota, Northwestern, and Michigan. They do play USC in their third game and you will see how USC will crush Ohio State. The Buckeyes have no shots against the Trojans. A team full of talent and the Trojans are not the type of team that you can push around unlike the first two games which shouldn't even give a team a number 2 or 1 ranking. That's what you call deulsional.
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Chris Copeland 10 months ago
Just curious, when was the last time that Youngstown State, Ohio University, Troy, Minnesota, Northwestern or Michigan lost to any division 2 team?
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