DALLAS — Texas grocers no longer even bother to ask, “Paper or plastic?,” because they already know the answer. “Paper. Make it a double.”
Not only do Dallas Cowboy supporters now attend games with two brown paper bags over their heads, they don’t even bother to cut out eye holes. All they need is a small straw hole for copious amounts of pain-numbing alcohol self-medication.
Such is the depth of shame for once proud Cowboy football fans, whose formerly beloved team today sports an abysmal 1-7 record at the midpoint of the 2010 NFL season.
So great are Dallas fans’ embarrassment that bag-making pulp demand may soon render Texas state forests into endangered species. Already there’s not a tree left standing within 200 miles of the Cowboys’ stadium.
The sole bright spot to this Cowboys train wreck season is that the Texas brown paper bag industry is going gangbusters. The rest of the nation may still be in the economic crapper, but not these guys; in fact, they couldn’t be happier with the team’s demise.
Should the losing continue, as is now widely anticipated, expect team owner Jerry Jones’ utter humiliation to lead him to soon sell his woeful Cowboys. And in a match made in heaven, the buyer will be none other than the newly rich Texas Brown Paper Bag Manufacturers Association.
What could be a more perfect combination — the Dallas Cowboys, the NFL’s most embarrassing team, sponsored by the one group which enables team fans to appear in public and still maintain a tiny shred of dignity?
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