Bartman's Box Seats and a Bisexual Relationship Are Actually Quite Similar

mark murrellCorrespondent IAugust 27, 2008

By Scotty D
This past Saturday, I had the good fortune to attend a Cubs game. You don't turn down free box seats to the Cubbies on any day, especially a Saturday. After the obligatory pregame Old Styles outside the park, we found our way to our section, and the usher showed us to our seats with a wink. "Congratulations, you've got the Bartman seat," he told me.


Hearing the news that you are sitting in the Bartman seat was surprisingly similar to finding out the girl you are dating is bisexual. Stay with me on this:

  • Bisexual girl: You are initially ecstatic about the potential threesomes.
  • Bartman Seat: You are initially ecstatic and text everyone you know about your seat.
  • Bisexual girl: You are convinced life is joyous bliss.
  • Bartman Seat: You are convinced you are going to catch a foul ball.
  • Bisexual girl: Worry creeps in as you fear she won't be faithful.
  • Bartman Seat: Worry creeps in as you fear you might lean over the railing for a ball still in play.
  • Bisexual girl: By mid-relationship, the paranoia of her having a threesome behind your back is taking away the joy of a bisexual girl
  • Bartman Seat: By mid-game, the paranoia of getting screamed at by fans if you catch a ball that is still in play is taking away the joy of your great seats
  • Bisexual girl: Your anxiety and fear cause the relationship to go to hell.
  • Bartman Seat: Your anxiety and fear cause you to move seats.

Wearing my Cuban and the Cubs t-shirt, I channeled all the site's good vibes into the seat. If this site can help influence the purchase of the Cubs, it can reverse the bad mojo of the Bartman seat.