By now everyone with a TV has seen the new LeBron James Nike commercial. But on the off chance that you don't watch TV, read a newspaper or browse the internet, a quick synopsis of LeBron's feeble attempt to defend his decision (no pun intended) goes a little something like this. . .
What should I do?
Actually, that's the whole commercial with a bunch of cheesy vignettes.
But since LeBron wants to ask the questions, I'll give the answers.
Q. LeBron: What should I do? Should I admit that I made mistakes?
A. JK: Good question, LeBron. Yes, you should admit that you made mistakes. You could start by admitting to the City of Cleveland that you gave them divorce papers to sign while keeping the engine running to get to your wedding with Miami. You should also admit that your nationally televised "I love some me" fest was handled poorly, and that given another opportunity, you would have held a regular press conference, while giving money out of your own pocket to the Boys & Girls Club.
Q. LeBron: Should I remind you that I've done this before?
A. JK: Perhaps maybe you should King James. Remind us all how difficult of a decision it was to forgo one season of collegiate basketball before going to the NBA. Maybe you should also remind us how you drove a Hummer to high school because of a loan that was approved on the basis of your future earnings. I guess I should've let my financing bank of choice in on the fact that I was going to be a millionaire some day too. Although I am still waiting on that check...Oh, I thought you were asking about making tough decisions.
Q. LeBron: Should I give you a history lesson?
A. JK: Please do LeBron. Wait a second...I have one for you. Did you know, according to OHSAA (Ohio High School Athletic Association) rules, any player that accepts gifts in excess of $100 is to have their eligibility stripped? Did you know that there was a player of your likeness that posed for pictures and accepted $845 of gifts?
LeBron: That was me.
JK: Oh...so you are aware that a judge overturned the stripping of your eligibility then. History must have been your best subject in high school.
Q. LeBron: I'm asking the questions. Moving on. Should I tell you how much fun we had?
A. JK: Oh I know about how much fun you had with the folks in Cleveland. Throwing powder in the air on Snuggy night, getting them to the Finals in 2007 only to lose four straight, big leaguing your coach and teammates, not talking to the media after losing to Orlando in 2008. That kind of fun right?
LeBron: I did make Cleveland relevant for seven years.
JK: Point well taken.
Q. LeBron: Should I really believe I ruined my legacy?
A. JK: Well LeBron, there are some questions I just can answer. All I can tell you is that you called the shots on "The Decision." But you've got your best years ahead of you. Tissue?
Q. LeBron: Should I have my tattoo removed.
A. JK: I'm gonna go with yeah on that one. "Chosen One?" Really?! Don't like 8,000 other pro athletes have that tattoo? I mean Kellen Winslow Jr. has that man. You really want to be in the same ink demographic as that guy? I mean if you were gonna do that you might as well have gone tribal armband.
Q. LeBron: Wanna see my shiny new shoes? Should I sell shoes?
A. JK: Whoa! I think you just took a swipe at MJ with that one. Aren't you the same guy who chose to change his number to honor "His Airness?" Sounds to me like you're suggesting that MJ was boring. C'mon man, MJ isn't even in the game anymore, and his kicks are awesome. But, given the way you blindsided Cleveland, I would say you definitely have a future in sales. No doubt! But to answer your first question, this is an interview, not a fashion show. So no, I don't want to see your shoes.
Q. LeBron: Should I tell you "I am not a role model?"
A. JK: Nah, that's Chuck's thing. How did the doughnut taste though? I hear they can get kind of stale on set.
LeBron: Nah, the doughnut was fresh. Who's asking the questions again?
JK: You are King James. Moving on...
Q. LeBron: Should I tell you I'm championship chaser? Did it for the money? Did it for the rings?
A. JK: Well you did kind of allude to the fact that you didn't have anybody to play with in Cleveland. So, yeah, you should probably go ahead and clear the air on that one. Honesty is the best policy after all. At least then, only people in Cleveland could call you a liar.
Q. LeBron: Should I accept my role. . .as a villain?
A. JK: Do your thing man. You did want to increase your brand. Don't you watch WWE? Everyone loves a heel turn. After you've been a bad guy for a while you can go back to being a good guy and sell twice the merchandise. I say go for it. I can print you up an Affliction style T-Shirt. We could put "Chosen One" on it. I think that's been done before though.
Q. LeBron: Maybe I should just disappear?
A. JK: You could. But you'd probably just get bored. Besides, I don't think you could really live without the spotlight. It's kind of your thing.
Q. LeBron: Should I stop listening to my friends? They're my friends.
A. JK: If everyone was jumping off a cliff, or in your case going to Miami, would you? On second thought, I guess you already answered that one. Yeah, listen to em'.
Q. LeBron: Should I try acting?
A, JK: Actually, I've seen your Sprite commercials, and the ones with Little Kobe and Little LeBron, man those things were awesome. Yeah man, do that. You could be the next Peyton Manning.
LeBron: You mean Peyton could be the next LeBron.
JK: No, I got it the first time. What was that about you not being a narcissist?
Q. LeBron: Should I make you laugh? Should I write you a soulful poem?
A. JK: That's not really necessary. Like I said, your commercials are funny enough.
Q. LeBron: Should we just clear the deck and start over?
A. JK: At this point the damage has been done. I'm pretty sure you burned the bridge in Cleveland. I thought that was why you went to Miami anyway—to start over.
Q. LeBron: Last question. Should I be who you want me to be?
A. JK: Look 'Bron, I just want you to be who you want to be. Besides, this is America. You can do anything you want to other than give birth and evade taxes and in your case: Leave Cleveland. But when you finally make your next "Decision" you should just do it. Get it?
LeBron: Not funny dude.
JK: No, I guess it wasn't. Well hey, thanks LBJ, I look forward to seeing what you and the Super Friends can do this season. I won't be rooting for you, but at least you've got your friends right?
LeBron: I'm done. I'll be taking my questions to South Beach, now.
So there it is. LeBron had questions and I had answers. Hopefully, this will clear up all the confusion and we can all go on with our lives.