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And so another Summer Games has come and gone, taking with it the eyes of the world and a nagging cough from all that smog. Here's what I learned from the Beijing Summer Olympic Games: 1...

The Top 5 Things I Learned From The Beijing Summer Games

by Tim Parent [HUMOR]

14

687 reads

Humor

August 25, 2008


And so another Summer Games has come and gone, taking with it the eyes of the world and a nagging cough from all that smog. 

Here's what I learned from the Beijing Summer Olympic Games:

1. Computers—not just for porn anymore!

A stunning fireworks display lit up the night sky high above the Bird's Nest and, for a time, convinced the world that China might actually pull this off.

It was then revealed government officials were playing it footloose and fancy free with those footprint fireworks, admitting that what viewers saw at home was not necessarily similar to what was seen by residents, tourists and athletes in Beijing.  It was actually the work of some talented computer artists who added the footprints in to the live feed.

And here I thought the only fake things broadcast on a live feed were Jenna Jameson's boobs.

2. I'm not pretty enough to sing in Beijing

My parents couldn't afford braces when I was a kid and, as a result, my teeth are a little crooked.  That, along with a constant five o'clock shadow and a singing voice like a cat in heat has meant no chance of launching a singing career in China.

Through it all, I somehow endured and I even turned out OK, with a wife, a house, and a good job.

I'm sure 7-year-old Yang Peiyi will survive too. 

Yang is the little girl with the angelic voice and British smile who was more than welcome to sing...just not on camera. Instead, government officials replaced her with cherubic 9-year-old Lin Miacke, who Ashlee Simpson-ed her way through her performance to become the "darling of the opening ceremonies."

I feel bad for little Yang but hey, we all remember what happened to Ashlee Simpson.

3. Jacques Rogge doesn't get it

Usain Bolt erupted as the starter's pistol exploded, his long, gaping strides and inhuman speed all but guaranteeing a world record: the 100m, 200m, and the relay all bowing before their new track god as he won the hearts of the world.

IOC head-honcho Jacques Rogge, however, called him a showboat, lacking respect for his fellow athletes after letting up during one of the races and then screaming in to a camera "Number one!"

Rogge stands by his comments.

"The Bolt issue I take with a big smile. I gave him what I believe to be fatherly advice.

I stand by what I said. He was the icon of the Games together with Michael Phelps and I have great respect for his abilities.

But I repeat he should show more respect for his opponents. But he is a young man of 22 and he has time to mature."

Bolt may be a showboat but Rogge comes off as a condescending figurehead.

4. Protesting bad judging makes you look like a dick

Perhaps the most iconic Olympic photograph ever taken is of Tommie Smith and John Carlos, their black-gloved fists are held high in protest during the 1968 games in Mexico.

Two men standing together with Olympic medals draped around their bowed necks, arms raised, fists clenched.  It was a simple and quiet protest, a not-so-subtle reminder of just what was happening to blacks back home in America—and the impact was immediate.

It meant something, something bigger than track, bigger than sport, even bigger than the two men who stood up for the cause.

Angel Valodia Matos kicked the taekwondo ref in the face because he was disqualified for taking too long to recover from an injury, thereby costing him a bronze medal.

Subtlety is obviously not Matos' forte.

I have questioned refs' and judges' decisions many times but dude, you don't kick the ref in the face!  It's just bad form and, in the end, it only hurts you. 

Well, maybe the ref, too.

5. Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps are not human 

They're actually super-heroes.  Sure, they're Flash and Aquaman but beggars can't be choosers. Hey, at least they're members of the Justice League!

With these important life lessons in hand, it's now onwards and upwards to London, England with a Winter Olympic layover in Vancouver, British Columbia where the world will be watching for the next superhero to emerge and the next controversy to arise. 

Or maybe they'll be watching Jenna Jameson. That also gets a rise out of people.

 

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14 comments Last one added 10 months ago — Leave a Comment

  1. Alan Bass 10 months ago

    Ahahaha I love the first two, Tim!!!! Great article!

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  2. J. Michael Morris 10 months ago

    British smile - PMPL

    that's a new texting/chatroom shortened phrase that I just made up,
    it stands for Pooped My Pants Laughing.
    You'll probably see it again in the future.

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  3. Dorothy Willis 10 months ago

    I was alive in 1968 to see the black gloved salute, and it has been taken out of the contest of the times. How nice for Tommie Smith and John Carlos that it has been elevated in this time to mean something other than the Black Panther salute of Huey Newton (I am unsure of the spelling, but not of what he represented), who was a terrorist in America at the time. It makes me wonder what similar twists will be put on 911 and the Bun Laden sympathizers in the future that will become an affront to people who actually lived through that tragedy and time in America. How very ironic! Loved your article except for the salute.

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  4. Dorothy Willis 10 months ago

    I will try to do that. I remember the fear of AA arming themselves because they did not trust the police ans wondered what would become of all of us. It was a terrifying time and my black friends were afraid of the potential for violence the situation raised for everyone.

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  5. Jimbo 10 months ago

    Tim, not only is this article clever and hilarious, but it also taught me that cats sing when they are in heat.

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  6. Tommy 10 months ago

    Great article. 5-stars and added to my picks.

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  7. Michael Griffin 10 months ago

    Haha, British smile, the ultimate insult.

    Love the end sentence, and your right, this has proved that the internet wasn't just made for porn, well, for the few minutes it lasted anyway.

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    • Tim Parent 10 months ago

      I apologize to my Brit colleagues here on Bleacher. I just always remembered the scene in The Simpsons, where the dentist strikes fear in to his child patients by showing them 'The Big Book of British Smiles"

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  8. aditi anshu 10 months ago

    nice article and the top two are amazing

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