That's right, just when you thought the NFL's "un-caped crusader" was done cleaning up the the sport, a new front in the war against evil has begun. My source, close to Goodell (I'll call him or her "deep pass") says after dealing with players and fans, the next step is cleaning up the owners—and I, for one, applaud him for this bold stand.
First, let's review details of the player conduct policy. I'm sure those of you not in a coma are aware of some of the more well-known rules for players. However, when looking at the fine print, you might be shocked.
One rule in particular is eye-catching—the right for the NFL to, at any time during a game, set up "steroid check points" between the locker room and sideline. Now, they know this may cause game delays, but the integrity of the game is far more important.
They are also working on an early detection system where as a player entering the draft would have their testicles measured, much like height, weight, and IQ, then check them randomly for shrinkage (Deep Pass says Goodell has taken a" hands on" approach to this one).
Now, the players union wants to make sure that this rule is applied fairly, so exceptions are put in to protect players who have no nuts (i.e. jeff gorge) at all.
Second, a closer look at the fan policy. For those of you like me, who thought they switched to plastic bottles so we could throw them (see the Saints-Rams Monday night game a few years back), that's not the case. I won't do it again, but they should put it on the label, "not to be thrown."
Also, Breathalyzers will be installed at every public entrance to every stadium. They are planing a multi-million dollar ad campaign—Deep Pass said they already have a catchy slogan, something like "hand your ticket and blow," but have tabled it because test groups kept adding "me" to the end.
Now for the owners. This is gonna be tough. With the players, the NFL only has to deal with murderers and rapists, but the owners are far worse.
First, owners won't be able to hire a great coach, let him build a great team, and then fire him and take all the credit. Deep Pass said this is known as the "Jerry Jones rule."
Next, owners would not be allowed to use Los Angeles to leverage small market teams. This has met the most resistance. Lawyers for the owners said it's their God-given right to "blackmail whomever they please."
Next, ticket prices. From now on the price you pay will be determined by how much you love your team and if you dress up in a costume (it must be team-themed, and, of course,"family friendly") you get in free.
Goodell has gone out on a limb to protect that which we hold most sacred and I, for one, think we should support him. But only time will tell if this brave man will be successful in his attempt to curb the evil forces in the game we love so much.