2011 NHL All-Star Game: Why You Should Vote for Paul Bissonnette (SATIRE)
Let's face it, the NHL All-Star Game is on the same excitement level as watching paint dry or grass grow.
And last we knew, not even the players wanted to be there. Why else would Gary Bettman have to suspend players if they didn't attend?
However, a great hockey mind only known by the name of "LeafsGetTavares" has found the solution. Simply, NHL fans fed up with the dullness of the All-Star Snoozefest can vote for Phoenix Coyotes tough guy Paul Bissonnette.
Fan voting has not yet opened for the 2011 All-Star Game, but it is never too early to start thinking about who you want to vote for when you click on the circle next to each player's name on the ballot.
Many have already expressed their approval of Bissonnette being in the event by creating a trending topic on Twitter known as "Vote4Bizansty."
If you have not joined this revolution already, you should seriously consider doing so.
Here is why Bissonnette should be in Raleigh, North Carolina in January.
No. 1: Nicklas Lidstrom Would Approve
Back on October 28 when the Coyotes faced off with the Detroit Red Wings, Bissonnette had a chance encounter with Red Wings defenseman and captain Nicklas Lidstrom. In this exchange, Lidstrom admitted to being a fan of Bissonnette's Twitter account.
Biznasty told his no less than 13,000 followers about the meeting by tweeting this:
"Nick Lidstrom told me he follows my twitter in warm up tonight. Highlight of my career. True story."
Shortly after the game, Bissonnette was still thrilled and just had to keep bragging:
"I am dead serious. I repeat. Nick Lidsrom loves my Twitter account. I officially won Twitter. It's over. Boom."
If Lidstrom is already a fan of Biznasty, then surely the six-time Norris Trophy winner would endorse him for the All-Star Game.
No. 2: A T-Shirt Worth Keeping
Who needs a generic 2011 NHL All-Star Game shirt anyway?
Wouldn't you rather pay tribute to Biznasty's first twitter account that took the NHL world by storm?
Wouldn't you rather be proud of the fact that Bissonnette takes care of homeless people by giving them money and food?
Well, with your official Biznasty t-shirt from saucehockey.com, you can support these wonderful causes. You can also rock it at the All-Star festivities and look different from everyone else wearing their Eric Staal and Cam Ward jerseys.
By the way, the sale of all of these t-shirts goes towards a Phoenix area homeless charity. Do it out of the kindness of your heart, folks.
No. 3: Yo Quiero Taco Bell!
For as much as we love hockey, we just aren't fans of overpriced and sometimes mediocre arena food.
But if Biznasty were in the All-Star Game, we wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.
Every fan coming through the gates at the skills competition of the All-Star Game could receive one of many Taco Bell gift cards that Biznasty received as part of his new deal to be the Phoenix area spokesperson for the Mexican fast food restaurant.
However, if you have some strange attachment to bland arena food, you can do what Biznasty would do: Give your Taco Bell gift card to a homeless person.
Better yet, the folks in charge of the All-Star festivities could send all fans to Taco Bell after the game, regardless of who wins.
Do you know how some teams have "when your team wins, you win?" giveaways and send you to a random restaurant with your ticket stub, usually one that is a sponsor for the team?
Well at the ASG, everyone is a winner; the fans could care less who wins. So why not tell everybody they win and give North Carolina-based Taco Bells some extra business?
No. 4: Spicing Up the Skills Competition
Alright, so I guess it was kind of funny when Alexander Ovechkin goofed off with Evgeni Malkin at the 2009 All-Star Game.
But Biznasty could bring so much more!
Since enforcers aren't particularly known for their lightning fast skating or accuracy shooting, we should add some new events to the skills competition for Biznasty and every other under-appreciated fourth liner in the league.
What about a staged fighting contest, where teams of enforcers meet before the event to decide who will fight who and drop the gloves at their pre-arranged time? If that happens to be in the middle of the hardest shot contest, then so be it.
There is also the opportunity for the "Scratch or Play?" competition. Competitors, including Bissonnette, can stand before a panel of NHL coaches, and each coach has to announce if they would scratch or play each player in a game that actually counted for something. Whoever gets the most votes to play wins!
If there is a tiebreaker, the players who are tied have to crush one of the All-Stars into the boards or start a fight with them.
And don't put it past Biznasty to accentuate his Coyotes uniform. He is quite fond of Speedos and taco costumes.
"No cable no food. But I have my Speedo. That's all you need in the world. Boom."
See, he doesn't even need his big paycheck to keep him happy. What an All-Star indeed!
No. 5: His Mother Would Be Proud
If Bissonnette's mother can love this picture, there is no doubt that she'd shed tears of joy if her son were voted an All-Star by his adoring fans.
When Bissonnette started his new Twitter account, one of the first things he talked about was how his mother still does his laundry when he is home for the summer. He was proud of himself for buying his first washer and dryer to take the burden off her.
Shortly after buying a Tempurpedic mattress, Biznasty once again paid tribute to his doting mother and bragged about his new-found adulthood.
"Just made my bed. Holy F. Yoli, my mom would shed tears if she saw this."
Make Mom proud, hockey fans.
Vote for Biznasty.
No. 6: Tweet Tweet!
As of this writing, Biznasty has 15,736 followers on twitter, making him one of the most popular athletes on the social networking website.
Since there seem to be almost no rules at the All-Star Game, why not allow Biznasty to bring his Ipad onto the bench and live tweet the game?
Fans love the behind the scenes aspect of the game. Let Biznasty take them inside what really happens on the bench. Let him react to what happens if Alexander Ovechkin gets caught looking at girls on the Jumbotron again. Allow him to interview his fellow All-Stars and post their responses to Twitter.
Biznasty's live tweets of the event should not only shoot ratings through the roof but also increase his already loyal following on Twitter.
Move over, Pierre McGuire. Biznasty will have your job.