YOKAMACKA, CHEWDABACKA, JU JU HAND, or so said the Witchman of Diablo Corner.
This D.C. is far removed from your world, a dark and strange place where sunlight peers through only when the leaves have fallen to the forest floor. A very October-looking place where sits this Oracle.
Long in years but short in patience, ordinary men pledge that this Witchman can see the future. He has spoken to me of his visions.
The spectre of the beyond, including the terrifying Guyskookis and Wooliphant, prevent him from predicting college football winners but, they have no control over his presenting a list of losers.
Beginning this week, we shall offer to our fellow readers his view of the future with the losers of the college football season. All doubters may accept the challenge.
The Crazy Eight Of Week One
1. Southern California at Virginia
Few of the signs point to any hope for this band of refugees from a Three Musketeers movie. Baby's Loser, in a complete blowout: Virginia.
2. Washington at Oregon
Ty Willingham has produced so very little in his time in Seattle that it doesn't take a vision to recognize this will be his final season. The living example of "The Peter Principle," a man promoted beyond his competence level. Baby's Loser: Washington.
3. Hawaii at Florida
The Gators could be shaky with the spotlight on Tim Tebow's quest for a second Heisman Trophy. The Rainbows are out to prove their Sugar Bowl loss to Georgia was an aberration. More likely, this will be a duplication of domination. Baby's Loser: Hawaii.
4. Boston College vs. Kent State in Cleveland, Ohio
How many Alabama fans realize their coach is a Golden Flash? All signs point to a knockdown fight in the neutral NFL stadium between the ACC and MAC, a league notorious for pulling early season upsets. Baby's Loser: Kent State.
5. Virginia Tech vs. East Carolina in Charlotte, N.C.
Skip Holtz has the benefit of 16 returning starters. A great shot at an upset playing in this neutral NFL stadium, look for a tight game. Frank Beamer says his Hokies must improve. Baby's Loser: East Carolina.
6. Alabama vs. Clemson in Atlanta, Ga.
The third of our ACC games played in neutral NFL stadiums features the up and coming Crimson Tide, led by championship coach Nick Saban, versus the forever under-performing Tigers of Tommy Bowden. Clemson running back C.J. Spiller and 6'5" receiver Aaron Kelly will be the difference. Baby's Loser: Alabama.
7. Oklahoma State vs. Washington State in Seattle, Wa.
Coach Mike Gundy has calmed down from his '07 meltdown. On this neutral field, look for the Cowboys to outscore the pass-happy Cougars under first year coach Paul Wulff. Baby's Loser, in a very close one: Washington State.
Game Of The Week
8. Illinois vs. Missouri in St. Louis, Mo.
Rose and Cotton Bowl entries from last season, the Illini feature QB Juice Williams and the Tigers counter with QB Chase Daniel. The Illini have led the Big 10 in rushing the past two seasons, while Mizzou gave up only 122 yards a game on the ground in 2007.
The Illinois pass defense was #118 in the country last year, while Chase Daniel passed for 4,306 yards last season. In a game much closer than it looks, Baby's Loser is Illinois.
Last Week 0-0, For the Year 0-0: Last Week Contest Winner: None
TIE BREAKER–(Without Going Over)Total Points Scored In Utah at Michigan: 40