I'm breaking many long-standing personal traditions and beliefs by writing two articles on the same day, but it has come to my attention via a deluge of horrifying tweets, e-mails, carrier pigeons, smoke signals, gunshot wounds and screaming homeless people that Randy Moss, after only two games of play, has been released by the Minnesota Vikings!
It's a good thing Favre didn't kill Randy and eat his brains in his brief tenure with the Vikings, because he will now be looking for work.
Many issues are looming large over this shocking news, such as:
- Is this rumor true?
- What could it mean for the Vikings?
- Will Favre be next?
- Will Randy try to rejoin the Patriots?
- Was this all a ploy to help the Patriots beat the Vikings?
- Why does my wrist hurt?
All of these are valid questions, unless you count most of them.
I don't know what's true just yet, because this news is so new, so fresh, and so underground, that not a single legitimate news agency is reporting about it at the time of this writing.
A massive government-fueled conspiracy? Perhaps. Wildly inaccurate? Possible. Awesome? Absolutely. And ultimately, the likely truth is that Moss just couldn't unload his multi-million dollar estate that previously housed his 50-acre butterfly pavilion in central Massachusetts, aptly named "Randy Moss's 50-Acre Butterfly Pavilion in Central Massachusetts."
If Randy does return to New England, as many clinically insane Patriots fans have crashed the internet posting about at light speed in just the last five minutes, I hope he does so in a timely manner so that I can immediately resume making fun of all the crazy things he says and the giant, irrational headphones that he wears to press conferences.
And no matter where he goes, I hope the negotiations are fraught with accusations of fraud, bigamy and failing to give Randy the respect he so desperately deserves.
Until next week, remember to donate $1 to the "Save the Hostages of Bill Belichick" fund, sponsored by Bob Kraft and fully supported by the terrified members of the 2010 New England Patriots.