Brett Favre Remembers His Pants Against The Patriots On Halloween Night

Bryan HealeyCorrespondent INovember 1, 2010

"My penis is safely encased in these pants."
"My penis is safely encased in these pants."Jim Rogash/Getty Images

On the day of all hallows, a member of the living dead, driven by an insatiable appetite for brains, fame and brunettes, rose from the mist and the mud, put on his Wranglers and promptly ate all the Butterfingers in the clubhouse. 

This would have been of no consequence were it not for the human incarnation of beauty and brawn that is Tom Brady, who finally recovered the ol' mojo en route to a 28-18 victory and his first 100 plus passer rating since all the way back in October! He even did a little scrambling, forcing the Vikings defense to risk a serious rustling of the hair and enraging millions of New England women.

Around the end of the game, Zombie Favre, pants still firmly in place, had quite a scare, which is something rather hard to do to a man who eats people for a living. After throwing an incomplete pass, Gary Guyton, who has just about the most manly name in the league (not counting Steak "Killer" Muscle of the Tennessee Titans), appeared from out of nowhere and tried to take Favre's head home as a souvenir. 

Favre was then transported to a local hospital, where he was tragically declared dead. Early reports indicate that this will not prevent him from starting his NFL record 293rd game against Arizona next week and his wife has already booked appearances on both Good Morning America and Letterman.

The night was also marked by the triumphant return of the Butterfly Man, who spent most of the game trying to remember which end zone to run toward. Fortunately for the Patriots, he never quite figured it out and caught only one pass by accident for a measly eight yards, the result of an errant attempt to flag down a hot dog vendor.

After the game, still hungry and missing his headphones, Moss demonstrated tremendous class and humility by going down the wrong tunnel and taking a shower with the Patriots, which was photographed by a cackling Favre as he was chased down the hall by his needle-wielding surgeons.

Belichick seemed surprisingly giddy after the game was over, even willingly embracing Moss for several uncomfortable seconds without threatening to summon the Blood God to destroy everything that Moss loves and holds dear. I imagine the happiness was a direct result of the team now being in sole possession of first place in the AFC East and holding the best record in the NFL.

Combined with the Jets loss, the Patriots have shown, with steel resolve, that they are still the team to beat so long as they continue to play sort-of okay and Belichick continues to release one hostage per week, as per the agreement with the league mediators.

And so, back to Minnesota go the Vikings, looking to try and regain a little dignity against the Cardinals, a team now capable of killing approximately 82 percent of the local fans by accidentally winning. The Patriots, meanwhile, will head to Cleveland to try and get a quick win against a truly awful team so that they can run back out of Cleveland as quickly as humanly possible, being sure not to touch anything they don't absolutely have to. You can be sure that no one will forget hand sanitizer.

NOTES: Tom Brady amassed a few more records yesterday, throwing his 237th touchdown pass to tie Jim Kelly for 17th all-time and winning his 25th consecutive home game to tie for first all-time, further cementing his argument that all NFL games should be played at Gillette. Also, I would like to remind everyone that the most ridiculous name in the NFL today is BenJarvus Green-Ellis, although I hear he is a fine person and makes a fabulous cheesecake.

Until next week, be sure and get your share of the leftover candy before Favre makes his way to your house in search of more Butterfingers. And you can be sure that eventually he will, so keep a text-capable camera phone and a fire extinguisher handy.

It's always best to be prepared.