Analyses and Ratings for the 2008 NBA Offseason Part I : The Stupendous East!

Sang NguyenCorrespondent IAugust 22, 2008

Well, I wouldn't exactly lavish the 2008 NBA offseason with unbecoming superlatives like "fantastic," "great," or "averagely mediocre," but I still think it deserves some of our, the real NBA fans, time. Of course, it doesn't deserve a lot of it. So here's my personal one sentence break down of what each NBA team has done this most dreary of offseasons. In this first part of an exciting two part epic, the Exotic East get lined up before the firing squad.

Consisting of my old keyboard and a can of Boo-Koo Wild Berry Energy.


Philadelphia 76ers : Stole Elton Brand away from his brodeo in Hollywoodland with Davis and re-signed A.I. 2.0.

     Rating : One pissed off Baron Davis out of one frosty $80 million contract from Philly.


Charlotte Bobcats : Picked up Larry Brown for coach and a good PG in D.J. Augustin, but settled for ho-hum French centre Alexis Ajinca.

     Rating : A deliciously moist chocolate brownie and a stale croissant out of a 7-11 "bakery" section.


Milwaukee Bucks : Relinquished the pure awesomeness of the unstoppable force of nature known as Bobby Simmons for some scrub named Richard Jefferson.

     Rating : One sad Bobby Simmons out of a much better Bucks squad.


Chicago Bulls : Resigned Deng to a ludicrous amount of money and drafted a red flower.

     Rating : One knowing glance of approval.


Cleveland Cavaliers : Drafted some kid named JJ, forgot to actually sign him after summer leagues, and then patted each other on the back for supplying King James with some much needed back up.

     Rating : One soon-to-be departing Lebron out of two welcoming arms from Jay-Z.


Boston Celtics : An inconsequential J.R. Giddons and Paul Pierce getting busted for drunk driving.

     Rating : A shrug and four disapproving mothers out of counting backwards from ten while touching your nose.


Atlanta Hawks : Was outbid by the Greek.

     Rating : Four Socratic poems about the epic Greek victory over the Atlanta empire out of numerous reports of Kobe leaving if hypothetically offered $50 million a year.


Miami Heat : Drafted the docile toughness of Beasley and a rotund Italian plumber; if my notes are correct.

     Rating : Four Super Mario 3's out of four "It can't possibly be worst then last year's"


New York Knicks : Fired that hack Isiah Thomas, hired D'Antoni and drafted Andrea Bargnani Redux.

     Rating : One soon to be another disappointing Italian draft out of ten Starbury's, only sold at Steve & Barry's!


Orlando Magic : Drafted the deceptively hot sounding Courtney Lee and not much else.

    Rating : Me imagining an ACTUALLY hot Courtney Lee.


New Jersey Nets : You suck, badly.

     Rating : NJ really, really, really stinks out of NJ is stupidly bad.


Indiana Pacers : Took on the Raptors ailing scraps and drafted Roy away from Sigfried.

     Rating : A crippled TJ Ford out of one tiger-mauled Roy.


Detroit Pistons : We're old.

     Rating : What were we typing again?


Toronto Raptors : It's like having a team consisting on 13 Jesus'.

     Rating : Sugar-filled sugar out of SAH-WEEEEET.


Washington Wizards : Gilbert Arenas is building a very sweet pool.

     Rating : Have you seen that freaking sweet pool? It's going to have shark tanks! That's pretty sweet. And murderous.


Well, that covers the super kicky awesomeness of the Eastern conference. There were laughs, there were tears, but what will always stay with it is the knowledge, deep in their hearts, that they still aren't in the same league as the Western conference. Stay tuned for my coverage of the Wiley West at some unspecified time in the future. Possibly tomorrow.

Possibly never.

But more possibly next week.


(Note: Being a resident of Ontario and an owner of six Raptors jerseys, I may - MAY - be a bit bias towards Toronto, albeit only slightly. Still, take my comments with a grain of salt. Also, I unreasonably hate New Jersey for reasons Toronto fans should know.)