Well, I wouldn't exactly lavish the 2008 NBA offseason with unbecoming superlatives like "fantastic," "great," or "averagely mediocre," but I still think it deserves some of our, the real NBA fans, time. Of course, it doesn't deserve a lot of it. So here's my personal one sentence break down of what each NBA team has done this most dreary of offseasons. In this first part of an exciting two part epic, the Exotic East get lined up before the firing squad.
Consisting of my old keyboard and a can of Boo-Koo Wild Berry Energy.
Philadelphia 76ers : Stole Elton Brand away from his brodeo in Hollywoodland with Davis and re-signed A.I. 2.0.
Rating : One pissed off Baron Davis out of one frosty $80 million contract from Philly.
Charlotte Bobcats : Picked up Larry Brown for coach and a good PG in D.J. Augustin, but settled for ho-hum French centre Alexis Ajinca.
Rating : A deliciously moist chocolate brownie and a stale croissant out of a 7-11 "bakery" section.
Milwaukee Bucks : Relinquished the pure awesomeness of the unstoppable force of nature known as Bobby Simmons for some scrub named Richard Jefferson.
Rating : One sad Bobby Simmons out of a much better Bucks squad.
Chicago Bulls : Resigned Deng to a ludicrous amount of money and drafted a red flower.
Rating : One knowing glance of approval.
Cleveland Cavaliers : Drafted some kid named JJ, forgot to actually sign him after summer leagues, and then patted each other on the back for supplying King James with some much needed back up.
Rating : One soon-to-be departing Lebron out of two welcoming arms from Jay-Z.
Boston Celtics : An inconsequential J.R. Giddons and Paul Pierce getting busted for drunk driving.
Rating : A shrug and four disapproving mothers out of counting backwards from ten while touching your nose.
Atlanta Hawks : Was outbid by the Greek.
Rating : Four Socratic poems about the epic Greek victory over the Atlanta empire out of numerous reports of Kobe leaving if hypothetically offered $50 million a year.
Miami Heat : Drafted the docile toughness of Beasley and a rotund Italian plumber; if my notes are correct.
Rating : Four Super Mario 3's out of four "It can't possibly be worst then last year's"
New York Knicks : Fired that hack Isiah Thomas, hired D'Antoni and drafted Andrea Bargnani Redux.
Rating : One soon to be another disappointing Italian draft out of ten Starbury's, only sold at Steve & Barry's!
Orlando Magic : Drafted the deceptively hot sounding Courtney Lee and not much else.
Rating : Me imagining an ACTUALLY hot Courtney Lee.
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