Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.
Cincinnati @ Atlanta (-5)
The Falcons return home to the Georgia Dome, hoping to bounce back from a 31-17 defeat in Philadelphia, a game in which the Eagles piled up 474 yards of offense, including 326 and three touchdowns through the air.
The Falcons defense will have to be much better against the visiting Bengals, fresh off a bye week and eager to reclaim their status as a legitimate playoff hopeful.
"I understand Chad Ochocinco plans to raise his game with more trash talk," said Mike Smith. "I guess that means his mouth will be the only thing that's open.
"But it would be foolish to discount the abilities of Ochocinco and his counterpart, Terrell Owens. Call me foolish, then. But seriously, you have to be aware of their talent and their eccentricities, and that makes it doubly tough on a coach. I think Charlie Daniels said it best when he sang 'Aww hell's broke loose in Georgia.' If we win, to heck with the shiny fiddle made of gold, we'll still be on top in the NFC South."
"Smith thinks he's got it tough as an opposing coach dealing with Owens and Ochocinco?" said Marvin Lewis. "That's nothing compared to what I deal with as their head coach. I'm like a circus ringmaster—I have to monitor those clowns 24-7.
As head coach, I have to take account of those two. What that means is I have to take their Twitter accounts and disable them. I'm baffled by Twitter's popularity, 140 characters? I have my hands full with two."
Carson Palmer will look to strike downfield against a Falcons secondary missing headhunting bozo Dunta Robinson, who, like the Steelers James Harrison, knocked out two guys last Sunday. Palmer finds Ochocinco for a 7-yard TD pass, and the fun-loving Ocho teams up with Owens to celebrate by removing their headgear and banging them together. Thus, the "helmet-to-helmet: celebration, which, oddly enough, is not penalized.
Ultimately, the Bengals will win with their ground game, as Cedric Benson's 118-yard, 27-carry day leads Cincy to the win.
Bengals win, 24-20.