Chicago Bears: 10 Ways to Improve the Offensive Line So Jay Cutler Won't Die
Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images
Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler is getting killed out there by his offensive line.
In a six quarter period, Cutler has been sacked 15 times, including numerous quarterback hits and a concussion.
Nine sacks came in one half to the New York Giants, which is an NFL record.
Seattle was no better, where defensive backs got three hits on Cutler.
After six games, No. 6 has been sacked 27 times. At this rate, he will be creamed 68 times if he survives the rest of this season.
Poor Old Jay.
A hideously, atrocious offensive line comprised of Frank Omiyale, Chris Williams, Roberto Garza, Olin Kreutz, Lance Louis, J'Marcus Webb, Kevin Schaffer, Edwin Williams and Johan Asiata is to blame.
This bunch of unlovable losers are mostly either late round draft picks, undrafted free agents, cut players or aging veterans.
Now, it's not funny that Poor Old Jay has been getting mashed so many times that he probably doesn't like mashed potatoes anymore.
But the Bears' offensive line is so terrible that my grandma could get through, so it's almost comical in a certain light.
So, comedy must be the solution?
Anyway, here is a list of 10 ways to improve Chicago's offensive line.
10: Watch "How to Block" Videos
A video on protecting against a linebacker blitz and doing shift blocking? Seems like the Bears offensive linemen should watch.
Offensive line coach Mike Tice must be at his wits end in trying to improving his unit’s play.
His players seem to not grasp his dozens of protection schemes, and he might be over their heads.
A possible solution would be to use the miracle of the Internet and watch “How to Block” videos.
The uploaded video has a college coach showing how to do a sidestep flipper (engaging the defensive end and knowing where the blitzing linebacker is) Also, on a run to the right, the o-lineman has to shift block, certainly a novel concept for the Bears.
Another video has former NFL lineman Rick Siglar showing young teenagers how to block a bigger opponent. Siglar points to drive blocking with leverage (using legs and hips to explode and getting under his pads.
These videos would surely help.
9: O-Line Doesn't Shower to Create Odor
Zane Beadles of the Denver Broncos probably showered after getting caked in mud. Now image Chicago's o-line not taking a shower. That will surely keep nasty defenders again.
Doug Pensinger/Getty Images
For the offensive line to evolve into a creature that beats off predatory defenses, it should adapt a defense mechanism.
One would be to not shower for the rest of the season.
Imagine how bad 280-plus pound men smell after a football game or practice. Well, instead of showering, the Bears’ o-line will rough it.
A strong stench would take the Bears’ offense time to get use to, but that’s what practice is for, right?
If opposing defenses get a whiff of Chicago’s linemen, they would back off and flee from the smell, giving the o-line room to push upfield.
8: Use Glue
Glue would help in keeping the Bears' o-line from losing their blocking assignments.
If not showering is too hard on the Bears’ noses, maybe Elmer’s glue would be a good solution.
Defensive linemen and linebackers have been slipping through weak blocks all season.
So, adding some glue would make the Bears’ offensive line actually stick to the opposing pass rushers and prevent them from slipping by.
While the o-line is stuck, it might as well relay some of the enemy’s defensive strategies to Mike Martz so Cutler could throw the ball under three seconds.
7: Give Jay Glasses
If Cutler has glasses, he would have an excuse of not being hit.
Everyone was taught not to hit the kid in the glasses.
Defenses have been lusting to take down a strong athlete in Jay Cutler, who is 6’3” and 233 pounds.
Maybe if Jay were given some glasses and looked more vulnerable (if he wasn’t already), opponents would go easier on him.
And the glasses don’t have to have corrective lenses. Just put plastic lenses so Cutler could not impair his vision.
6: Have Construction Worker Directing Playing Traffic
A construction worker with a Stop sign slows cars down, so defensive lines will slow down as well, right?
The Bears’ offensive line is so bad that nobody is indispensable.
So they should hire other helping hands, like a construction worker for one.
He would feel right at home because the Bears' o-line is a work in process like his construction projects and it can't be tested by defenses before it is finished.
He could have a stop sign when the play begins to slow down defenses.
If works for cars and trucks, so why not for huge, muscular, blood-thirsty men?
5: Have Ines Sainz Line Up
Ines Sainz would stop opposing defenses in their tracks.
Sports reporter Ines Sainz distracted the New York Jets earlier this season to the point where they acted like misogynistic buffoons.
With Sainz on the Bears’ o-line, opponents would concentrate on getting her digits more than sacking poor old Jay.
4: Recruit Carlos Zambrano
Carlos Zambrano is a big, strong and violent man. He would give the Bears' o-line some much needed aggressiveness.
Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images
The Chicago Bears don’t have to look much further for offensive line help than its own sports personalities.
They would need someone who is big, explosive, violent and crazy.
Chicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano fits the bill nicely.
Zambrano is 6’5” and 260 pounds. He has an explosive, violent temper and he did punch out former teammate Michael Barrett.
Big Z has not been pitching well, so a career change would suit him fine. All he has to do is gain some weight and show the Bears’ o-line how to be aggressive.
3: Learn Safety Dance
Maybe the Men Without Hats hit The Safety Dance will help the Bears' o-line learn about keeping Cutler safe.
Men Without Hats had a 1982 hit called the Safety Dance.
Jay Cutler’s safety is in peril, and this song could give the Bears’ o’line some empathy.
The dance is very fun and motivational and should be the pregame ritual.
Linemen could also break down to the Safety Dance before each offensive drive to maintain focus.
2: Have Big Show Lead Blitzing Drills During Practice
Big Show is 7 feet tall and 485 pounds. He could led blitzing drills to toughen up the Bear offensive line.
Blocking bigger foes seems to be a huge challenge to the Bears’ offensive line, so why not bring in the biggest dude anyone knows: The Big Show.
Yes, Big Show is athletic, 7 feet tall and 485 pounds of fat and muscle.
He could simulate opposing blitzers in practice so the Bears’ linemen to get used to blocking bigger opponents.
A twist in the drill would put an offensive lineman in the quarterback position and have Big Show sack them. Again, empathy for Cutler’s plight would be established.
1: Install a Rancor Pit in Solider Field
A Rancor Pit is sorely needed in Soldier Field. This would deter defensives from showing up.
Now, home field advantage has to mean something.
And the Bears’ offensive line needs it.
Installing a Rancor Pit would provide that advantage.
The trapdoor could be installed at the Bears’ C at midfield. When defenses line up at the C, the trapdoor would open and defensive personnel will fall to their doom.
The Rancor Pit worked for Jabba the Hutt, and it can work for Chicago.
With less elite defenders going around, the Bears’ o-line might finally be able to compete.