WWE Fans Are Smarter than Me

First off, let me openly admit that I am not a professional wrestling fan. That's my one shortcoming in life. You might call it lack of intellect, homophobia, or even plain old culture apathy, but I am actually repulsed by it. Do not stop reading, WWE fans, I am not insulting you or your passion.

I guess that's where I'll start from—passion. I have never met someone who barely watches wrestling. Either they don't watch it at all, like me, or their free time seems to be completely consumed by it.

Humans are not stupid, there must be a compelling and legitimate reason to watch the world's greatest sporting farce long after you realize it's fake. And don't try to tell me the fighting is real but the outcomes are set up, that's complete pap.

This passion demonstrated by many WWE fans is similar to most sports fans' devotion to their chosen sport(s) in the fact that there is a sense of accomplishment for a fan to vicariously attach their support to. I always like to think that merely my interest in an event helps that team or individual to win.

I am not alone in this belief. However crazy that is, sports fans actually believe that their clapping from the 43rd row of section R seat 29 can influence the player's motivation to try harder to win. Now, that's delusional.

The big difference is that wrestling fans actually do affect the outcome because the script writers and marketing brains will eventually identify a popular participant and ultimately give the fans what they want. If everybody likes the tag team of Danger Boy and Donkey, they will win. So, in this area, wrestling fans are smarter than me.

The second area that proves pro wrestling fans are smarter than me is the issue of steroids. I constantly lie to myself in two ways:

Lie No. 1—Steroids hurt the game (whatever sport it is);

Lie No. 2—Very few players use steroids.

Baseball was saved, temporarily, by 'roid ragers chasing the home run records. This was perfectly timed to follow an ugly strike preceded by several years of ticket revenue declines.

Football players cannot do without them. Basketball players are using them also. Shawn Bradley refused to use them due to religious beliefs and you see where it got him—119 pounds, soaking wet, and unable to compete.

Pro Wrestling fans embrace the rage. It adds another dimension to the character...Unable to control his flying fists. Steroid use is strongly encouraged in the WWE, even in women.

I have often attempted to insult pro wrestling fans by pointing out the undeniable fact that WWE and all other organizations are nothing more than musical theatre for steroid abusers. That's true, but not insulting.

Wrestling fans, don't argue this point. It is, as I said before, undeniable. Let me list the common characteristics of your high school drama club and WWE:

1. Stage

2. Writer

3. Choreography

4. Director

5. Bad Acting (The Rock went to Hollywood because he was good)

6. Music

7. Costumes

8. Spotlights

9. Men in tights

10. Drunk Crowds (at least at my high school)

11. Unpolished characters

12. Interesting stories

13. Misunderstood participants

Now let me list the differences:

1. Nothing

Thirteen to one—I win!

Okay, that was a little insulting, I apologize. I mock what I don't understand.

Seriously though, all the highbrow intellectuals were interested in theatre in high school and college. You know, the ones who actually read Shakespeare in English class. Vince McMahon, with his dramas, tragedies, and comedies, is the Shakespeare of our day.

If you really want to impress a date, do you take him/her to hockey game or the ballet?

Canadians, don't answer that. We all know why Canada's birthrate is so low. Missing teeth and mullets are not a turn-on.

Even ex-high school baseball players are smart enough to know that a booty-call goes to a tailgate party, but your future ex-Mrs. ex-high school baseball player goes to a Broadway play.

The drama club girls read books instead of the celebrity magazines that the cheerleaders read. The jocks that played the "real" sports in college were mostly buffoons who couldn't read either and still are.

I'm not saying that WWE fans have read Shakespeare. I'm saying that they have more emotionally sensitive tendencies that prefer a dramatic storyline to actual competition. Who wins or loses is secondary to the pre match-up gossip and post-fight smack-talking.

Most "true" sports fans like to think that the bottom line is the final score—who won and who lost!

If the games' outcome is sooooo much more important than the backstory, then why do we have a billion sports writers, trillion bloggers, 17 ESPN channels, sports radio etc. that only spend two percent of the time actually broadcasting games or reporting the scores. The rest is about Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson or Brett Favre's text messages.

It's exactly the difference between a chick-flick that my wife would adore, with witty dialogue and surprising plot twists, and the best movie of all time—Rambo - First Blood Part II. Now clearly, my wife is more intelligent than I am (she's reading over my shoulder right now). Rambo is every other sport and Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants is WWE.