Bolt To Phelps: I Am Better Than You

There are one thousand reasons why Usain Bolt is better than Michael Phelps.

Firstly, the names.

You know Bolt just sprung up out of the heart of a Civil War genocide hungry and starving as an orphan in the middle of Africa. It's not hard to tell that by his name. By the time Bolt was a three-year-old, he was running from the cheetahs to not be eaten alive; and that's why Bolt is so damn fast. That's what she said. But anyways, that is Bolt's story.

Let's move to Michael Phelps. His name clearly tells me that he is a suburban white kid who probably went swimming in his country club's pool at the age of four. By the time he was six, his parents were paying a swim instructor $200-a-hour to teach Michael to swim. Michael lived a life of privledge, and probably sipped on margaritas during the summertime.

Bolt said after his stellar 200 meter performance that, "I just blew my mind. I blew the world's mind."

When you can blow yourself, you know you are talented. He also took the rest of the world on a joy ride to bliss.

I have heard nothing of Phelp's sexual escapades during the Olympics, nor anytime before. I try to find Phelp's girlfriend, but she is nowhere to be found.  Even Amanda Beard when addressed with the question of if she was Michael's girlfriend said: "Ew." 

I have sneaking suspicions as to why Phelps does not have a girlfriend, none of them not being that he is a homosexual. I know Bolt is seeing someone, because he can blow even his own mind by himself. He has nothing to worry about.

Bolt wins everything, just like Michael. The only difference is that there are actual athletes competing in the track and field events at the Olympics. There's a reason why more countries can compete in track and field: you can run anywhere in the world.

To train for swimming you ask?  Basically only Europe and the United States. Also, how many track events can you run?  Never eight. I think your record is safe, Mike.  Congratulations on playing a sport that has the 100 meter backstroke, 110 meter backstroke, 120 meter backstroke, 100 meter free style, 114 meter butterfly all counting as different medals. Great job out there.

Bolt is also flashy, and never even comes close to losing. Why do we say Phelps is even better because he won in a variety of ways: close finishes, run-away victories, as a team, individual? Bolt just goes out there and kills everyone, possibly a trait learned from the genocide in his country.

Bolt showboats. He knows hes the best, and he wants to show the world.  He wears gold shoes, just like Michael Johnson.  He doesn't cheat and wear a more wind-resistant suit than previous winners.  Michael Phelps does.  If Spitz were wearing Michael's suit, he would beat him right now.  In Spitz's prime, he would have been finished before Michael touched the first wall.

Bolt is the King.  And he will be forever in the history of Bejing's 2008 Olympics.