College Football: BCS Teams' Analysis In One Sentence

Sometimes, no matter how good you think your team is, someone will find fault with them. Heck, even the ESPN College Game Day Crew can find fault with the Gators, Bulldogs, Sooners, Trojans, Tigers, Mountaineers and Buckeyes.

Here's a humorous, yet honest analysis of each BCS conference team's question marks, in one short sentence. After all, nobody's perfect. Except for this year's Gators, Bulldogs, Sooners, Trojans, Tigers, Mountaineers and Buckeyes, of course.

Pac-10

USC: Mark Sanchez has a dislocated kneecap, a questionable O-line and still no word from the NCAA.

UCLA: JUCO Kevin Craft is the starting QB behind an O-line that resembles an old pasta strainer.

Oregon: No Dennis Dixon keeps them flying under the radar, but someone needs to answer the age-old question of whether or not Ducks really do fly.

Oregon State: "Almost" is the motto of every bridesmaid.

Arizona State: Georgia and USC, case closed.

Cal: Like a toothless Rottweiler, it looks mean and will put up a great fight, but against the bigger dogs, lacks the teeth to finish the kill.

Washington: With the toughest schedule in FBS (again), somebody needs to apply the Mercy Rule to Seattle.

Washington State: New coach, new spread offense, no D and thirteen games!

Arizona: Coached by Mike Stoops, any questions?

Stanford: Upsetting USC and Cal last year will have huge consequences this year—HUGE!

SEC

Florida: This might be a good time for the trainers to try different cleats, turf, etc...

Georgia: When will Richt start imitating the Les Miles' "tough path" speech?

Tennessee: They can't over-achieve two straight years, can they?

Auburn: Like every year, this is the year the Tigers make their stand.

LSU: Georgia and Florida from the East and Auburn as a road game should cue Les Miles for some great sound-bites.

Alabama: Road games are LSU, Tennessee and Georgia and pssst...JPW is overrated.

Arkansas: No D-Mac or Jones, a new coach and switching to a pass-spread...gulp.

Kentucky: They lost their top-notch QB, four veteran receivers, play in the tough SEC East and basketball season countdown has begun.

Vandy: Nine seniors on the entire team, but hey, they're smart!

South Carolina: Killer instinct, where art thou?

Ole Miss: At Wake Forest in week two, road games at Florida, Alabama and LSU all wrapped up in a big, fat present for a new coach.

Mississippi State: Has lost seven straight conference home openers, and this year they get the pleasure of Auburn to open SEC play.

Big Ten

Ohio State: Sept. 13.

Michigan: New coach, new offense, and no Henne or Hart.

Penn State: Still playing the "who's the QB?" and "will this be Joe Pa's last year?" game.

Michigan State: Hasn't really recovered since QB Jeff Smoker left.

Illinois: No Mendenhall and the Zookers ended their last game on a sour note.

Wisconsin: "So close" is the official motto in Madison.

Indiana: No pollster will be giving them love for scheduling Western Kentucky, Murray State, Ball State and Central Michigan as non-conference games.

Minnesota: While there is quite a buzz about the Golden Gophers improving this year, is there any other way they won't improve after finishing 1-11? (answer yes, 0-12)

Purdue: They have a bye in week one, then play 12 straight games, including non-conference games with Oregon and Notre Dame, before getting a bye in the final week—shoot the scheduler.

Northwestern: Got surprised by Duke last year, and the only three conference teams they beat had a combined conference record of 7-18.

Iowa: They certainly have kept the criminal attorneys in Iowa City busy, now haven't they?

Big 12

Oklahoma: Four consecutive BCS Bowl losses call for a session with Dr. Phil.

Nebraska: New coach, and back to the running game against a lot of pass-happy teams.

Texas Tech: See Hawai'i on how all offense and no D plays out, and playing two FCS schools might actually confuse pollsters into thinking they really are the Hawai'i Rainbow Warriors.

Baylor: An assistant coach (Eric Schnupp) resigned due to getting busted for urinating on a bar during last season—any questions?

Texas: The 'Horns return only four starters on an already mediocre D and heavens to Bevo, let's hope there is no such thing as a junior jinx, after Colt's sophomore slump last year.

Texas A&M: Returning only ten starters in a brutal division with Miami slated as a non-conference game means not a lot of Aggies will be "scoring" in the stands.

Oklahoma State: What will send Gundy into a meltdown this year? (at Missouri, at Texas and at Texas Tech might be the answer(s)).

Iowa State: When you lose to an FCS team (Northern Iowa) and then beat a Big Ten team (Iowa) the next week, just how much mental toughness do you lack?

Colorado: The definition of psychotic is when you lose to Florida State, beat Oklahoma, beat Texas Tech, get walloped by Mizzou and then beat Nebraska (but let them score 51 points on you).

K-State: In 2002, the D averaged giving up 11.8 points per game, last season they gave up 30.8, and this year they return five players on the D...meow.

Kansas: Last year, no Texas, Oklahoma or Texas Tech was on the schedule and this year the Jayhawks get 'em all- BCS Bowl payback is a &^%$#$%.

Mizzou: If the Tigers want to win the conference, they had better file for emancipation papers so they can get a new daddy- the Sooners own them.

ACC

Florida State: Countering cheating scandal sanctions by scheduling two FCS teams and then suspending the naughty players for those games will certainly teach them a  lesson, eh Bobby?

Miami: Which QB do you pick when all three of them have never attempted a pass in college football?

Clemson: You had better beat 'Bama in your season opener when you have The Citadel and South Carolina State on your schedule and have BCS Bowl aspirations.

Wake Forest: Clearly, the Demon Deacons are under the impression they are playing in the WAC-last year, as the offense produced 4,425 yards and the defense gave up the exact same amount...4,425 yards. 

Boston College: If you want to keep pressure off QB Chris Crane, maybe averaging more than 99 rushing yards per game would help.

Georgia Tech: Opening against Ryan Perrilloux, then at Boston College, at Va Tech, at Clemson, at North Carolina and at Georgia means most likely sitting at home during post season play.

North Carolina: When the Tar Heels are the sexy pick to be a contender for the ACC crown, two things are certain—the conference is soft and Duke has a shot to become a football school.

Va Tech: Not making a decision on which of the two QBs will start really means no one is good enough to make a case for the starting position.

NC State: Hi, we're the Wolfpack, and we averaged 89 yards in rushing, gave up 186 yards against the rush, 208 against the pass, -16 in takeovers and we can't understand why we didn't go bowling last year.

Maryland: Just how hot is Ralph Friedgen's seat?

Duke: Basketball season starts in four months.

Virginia Cavaliers: The D-line has no returning starters—too bad Chris Long isn't around for their opener against the USC Trojans.

Big East

West Virginia: New coach Bill Stewart looks like actor Tom Poston from The Newhart Show and let's hope the personalities aren't similar as well.

South Florida: If the Bulls can learn to play in weather below forty degrees, they might have a shot at a BCS Bowl...if, if, if.

Pittsburgh: R-E-D-Z-O-N-E is that place on the field where you need to score or else Wannstedt will be pushing the eject button from his seat.

Rutgers: Cinderella lost Ray Rice, and the fairy tale doesn't start happily with their home opener against Fresno State.

Louisville: See Brian Brohm become second on career passing list, see the Cardinals post a .500 season, see Steve Kragthorpe mess up a damn, good thing.

Cincinnati: The bad news is they have to play at Norman, Oklahoma, the good news is that they end their regular season in Hawai'i, but more bad news is that the last time these two teams played (in Oahu), a brawl broke out after Cincy accused WAC officials of cheating.

UConn: Gotta give the Huskies credit for going all out and scheduling Hofstra, Temple and Baylor as three of their five non-conference games—the other two being Virginia and North Carolina—and then they play tough Syracuse.

Syracuse: There was a time when an Orange fan could look forward to basketball season, heck, even Lacrosse, but life sucks when your programs smell like bat guano.