Nastia Liukin Was Robbed

Location: Red Army Listening Post #37 – Beijing Municipality
Transmission: Beijing Police Department, Main Line
Time: 4:30 PM, Tuesday 19 August 2008
Transcribed and Translated By Corporal F. Xiang

Start Transmission

Male Caller: Hello, Beijing Police Department, this is Sergeant Fu, how may I help you?

Female Caller: Hello, my name is Nastia Liukin, and I would like to report a robbery.

Fu: Okay ma’am, I can help you. Can you please tell me where this robbery occurred?

Liukin: Yes, it occurred at the Gymnastics venue of the 2008 Summer Olympics at the uneven bars.

Fu: What was stolen?

Liukin: It was a small, round object, gold in color, hanging from a green sash, to be hung around the neck. It’s called the Gold Medal

Fu: Was anything left behind?

Liukin: I was left with the same sort of object, yet it was silver in color.

Fu: Do you have any idea who may have stolen you’re Gold Medal or where it may be now.

Liukin: Oh, I know. It’s currently around the neck of Chinese gymnast He Kexin and was stolen by the judges. I have a video tape of the whole incident if you want.

Fu: The tape would be helpful. Why would they steal this Gold Medal from you?

Liukin: Because they are incompetent.

Fu: That’s not really a reason. Plus, being incompetent isn’t against the law. If it were, 90% of the people would be in jail.

Liukin: But it was stolen from me! I put in a better routine, yet some judge from Australia who was probably thinking about kangaroo’s makes all the difference! Can you name a gymnast from Australia? I don’t think they even know what gymnastics is down there. That tie-breaker was crap.

Fu: True, but isn’t this judge a fully accredited and trusted member of the judging community? Didn’t you know the rules going into this?

Liukin: Well, yes, but that’s not the point. The top reward should go to the top performer.

Fu: Agreed, but you participated in an event where points are awarded based on perception and emotion. Next time, I suggest you pick a sport that is grounded in more solid rules of scoring. I hear swimming is popular.

Liukin: Why I never!

Fu: I’m going to be honest with you Ms. Liukin; nothing is going to happen here. We have been getting complaints like this all Olympics long. Listen, as much as I would like to listen to you rant all day….

Liukin: I’M NOT RANTING!

Fu: Sure you’re not. Anyway, I think I just heard someone say “Tibet” and that’s punishable by 10 years in prison, so I have to go.

Liukin: So, no gold medal for me?

Fu: Sorry. You may deserve it, but you’re not getting it.

Liukin: Alright.

Fu: Oh, one more thing. You think you could get me a date with Alicia Sacramone? I think she’s hot.

Liukin: ICK!!!

End Transmission.