*As they do in the soap operas: the part of Tiger Woods will be be portrayed (badly) by RM Herold...
Man, this Karen Owen chick had it right.
If I had done a PowerPoint, maybe I would've known who to stay away from.
Hell, I'm bored. You know what, I'm gonna do one retroactively.
People are kind of okay with me lately. They hate LeBron James more, and I showed up during the Ryder Cup.
Time to have some fun. Clean fun.
Who was she: Oh, yeah. The neighbor's kid.
Level of Fun: Seven. She made me feel young.
Level of Risk: Eight. Elin was always close by. And there was that time the neighbor went out to get his paper late, down the driveway. That was close.
Level of Regret: Really high. I wish I never looked out that window that day.
Bonuses: Proximity was cool. And the fact that she believed anything. Ha, I never even met the Jonas Brothers.
Would I do it again: Charles Barkley said to never sh*t near where you eat. I should've listened.
Who was she: Psycho porn chick with the big mouth. Umm, figuratively.
Level of Fun: Nine. Crazy sex, as in mentally unstable woman sex, is up there with...hell, there's nothing like crazy sex.
Level of Risk: 100 on a scale of 1-10. What was I thinking?
Level of Regret: Astronomical. Now everyone thinks that I am a freak. Even after an eagle on a par 4, out of the bunker, I see that old lady looking at me shaking her head.
Bonuses: Never thought I could find someone who said yes to everything. I'd just go to the Urban Dictionary or google some strange term and we'd try it. Wow...still regret it though.
Would I do it again: Never in a million years...seriously, all I had to do is just google it and we'd give it a try. Lol. Wow...
Who was she: See: James, Joslyn...only crazier and less well-known.
Level of Fun: Five. Like I said, crazy sex is fun. Waking up at three in the morning with someone staring at you in the dark, not so much.
Level of Risk: Eight. Not of getting caught. Of getting killed. This chick was really out there.
Level of Regret: Off the charts. When I met her, her kid was six, and she still tried to say it was my kid!
Bonuses: AVN tickets were cool, but of course I couldn't go without that disguise. Not much other than that.
Would I do it again: Not without being kidnapped.
Who was she: The cute cocktail waitress.
Level of Fun: Five. Would've been much more fun if her freaking boyfriend would've stopped calling. Annoying.
Level of Risk: Five. She was a cocktail waitress. Who'd believe her?
Level of Regret: Meh. I guess high. Although always asking me to get her a modeling agent also got on my nerves.
Bonuses: Hearing her man cry on the phone was kind of cool. Wuss.
Would I do it again: Nah—low risk, low return.
Who was she: The most awesome of all my porn stars. Really great girl. Wonder what she's up to these days...
Level of Fun: Nine. This was before the marriage. Engaged, yes. But still fairly innocent. So not as fun.
Level of Risk: Six. Doing it during a bachelor party was cool. I mean, it wasn't like that time with the gun and blender and me and Joslyn, but still...
Level of Regret: Low. Like I said, I was relatively single.
Bonuses: She was great playing teacher—and I was a bad, bad student. Plus she said I was good in the sack on YouTube. And everybody goes to YouTube.
Would I do it again: I mean, I am single. Again.
Who was she: The chick who never had her rent money, then went on every freaking talk show.
Level of Fun: Seven. Cool times, but she thought that sex against the wall was wild and crazy. Ha! She doesn't know crazy. LMCAO! (laughing my Cablinasian ass off)
Level of Risk: Five, at the time. Who knew she could even find the set to The Today Show?
Level of Regret: I guess high. Even though I can't help but think what two months' rent would have bought. Probably a tight lip.
Bonuses: Watching her on Howard Stern was all right, I guess.
Would I do it again: Nah, not worth it.
Who was she: Oh, if it isn't Miss "let me release all your texts and voice mail messages so that I can have my 15 minutes of fame" Grubbs. Bitch.
Level of Fun: Seven. But still not worth it. What kind of name is Grubbs, anyway?
Level of Risk: Ten. Level of bitterness? A katrillion.
Level of Regret: I don't even want to talk about this chick anymore.
Bonuses: The only, and I mean the only thing remotely cool about this episode was this remix. And I know good music.
Would I do it again: Uh, hello?
What was I thinking?
Who was she: Nice Vegas promoter. Discreet, fun. Good times.
Level of Fun: Seven. Never a bad time with her. I gotta get back to Vegas.
Level of Risk: Five. Not too high since she had her own thing going.
Level of Regret: Sure. I guess. I was cheating and all.
Bonuses: Best tables and stuff. Best wines. Wait a minute, I'm Tiger freaking Woods. Ha! I get that stuff anyway.
Would I do it again: Maybe. But definitely not if I was married. Nope.
Who was she: You never forget your first...umm...mistress.
Level of Fun: Eight. Was always there for me when I needed her.
Level of Risk: Two. Should've been even less for 10 freaking mil!
Level of Regret: I guess high. I think I really fell for her. Still, 10 mil is a lot of money.
Bonuses: She could handle herself in the bedroom. I'll leave it at that. And also the way she made me say Uchitel every time we...anyway. She was fun.
Would I do it again: Did I mention the 10 mil and her annoying lawyer, Gloria All whatever?
I'm sure I missed a few. Like that call girl and the Hooters chick...
In the end this would've helped immensely.
Do I have regrets? Sure. I wake up in tears twice a week, like everyone else.
But what can you do?
Gotta move on, though.
Wonder whatever happened to that blender...