CITIZENS BANK PARK — The Philadelphia Phillies front office today issued a sincere apology to its legions of die-hard fans. Knowing that its fans are so much more accustomed to losing, the Phillies organization today begged forgiveness for pushing its loyal followers so far out of their comfort zone.
With yesterday's end of the 2010 regular season, the team ended a whopping 32 games over .500 at 97-65, the best record in Major League Baseball, and won the National League East by an enormous 6 game margin.
This success, fresh on the heels of the Phillies' 2008 World Series championship and 2009 World Series appearance, has pushed professional baseball's all-time losingest team's fans into gut-wrenching psychological territory.
Team spokeswoman Vanna Ticch this morning painfully addressed the media. "We know how upsetting this winning has been for our true Phillies fans. With each additional victory, we recognize that your stress level is soaring dangerously high. We're all very uncomfortable with this bizarre feeling of happiness. So starting with Wednesday's first playoff game, the Phillies will offer a temporary solution."
To help bring the top-seeded Phillies fans down from cloud nine to a more familiar level of pain and suffering, the team will set up a special booth on the main concourse behind home plate at Citizens Bank Park. There, free of charge, the Phillie Phanatic will whack fans with a baseball bat right in the shins.
The team hopes this small gesture will appease fans for their growing discomfort due to the Phillies' recent dizzying success.
This article has been updated from its original publication on HumorVolcano.com.