Miami Heat Super-Friends Will Impose Totalitarian Rule on The NBA and The USA

Rich FernandesCorrespondent ISeptember 26, 2010

MIAMI - JULY 09:  Fans cheer as (L-R) Dwyane Wade #3, Chris Bosh #1 and LeBron James #6 of the Miami Heat are introduced during a welcome party at American Airlines Arena on July 9, 2010 in Miami, Florida.  (Photo by Marc Serota/Getty Images)
Marc Serota/Getty Images

The Miami Heat created a sensational stir this summer, and quite possibly the biggest off season hullabaloo in NBA history.  That’s the old news.  The new news will be something entirely different, and will be continuously spoon fed to NBA fans from the dawn of the Heat’s season to well beyond its end. 

We will learn about the progression of the Miami Heat’s season from the media, or by watching live games ourselves.   We will discover how they steamroll over the competition by breaking the Bulls single season game record of 72 wins, and getting as close to a perfect season as superhumanly possible. 

For an encore, the Heat will sprint through the playoffs by sweeping every team in sight, including the Lakers in the final.  Miami Heat fans will celebrate their team’s championship victory every night of every day, and all summer long with the same intensity of a New Years Eve bash.  Like clockwork, Miami fans will party in this fashion night after night, and season after season… six, seven, eight years in a row.  This of course will be as a result of James’ prediction coming true, as the Heat win six, seven, eight championships in a row.

“The new order” of players from Chicago, Oklahoma and Portland will become “the new old order.”   Battered and bruised ballers like Rose, Durant, Melo, and DeRosan will be playing with crutches, and fighting to the very end for their very lives.  They fought gallantly to the brink of annihilation at first for their cities, and then for their country.  All of this in the vein attempt to stop the Miami Heat from establishing totalitarian rule across the NBA and the USA. 

They lost the impossible war.  They had sling shots to the enemy’s bazookas.  Finally succumbing to their war related injuries, these once young stars will reluctantly raise the white flag.  Their fans will construct makeshift tents, as each city begins to look like another rerun of the battle zone sitcom, Mash. 

Annual chronic hospital patient, Greg Oden will be happy because he won’t feel left out any more.

The Black Mamba, Kobe Bryant will find a rock to hide under, never to be seen from again… except for  the occasional “Elvis like sightings” from people claiming to see a snake biting beautiful teenage blondes in Colorado.   

Shaq, Garnett, Allen, and Pierce will be pinching sexy young nurses (blondes, brunettes, and red heads) at an exclusive old folk’s home… before The Big Shamrock insults his Celtic brothers and kicks them out on the street.

What will become of our three super-friends?

Dwayne Wade will become America’s new charismatic president under the new totalitarian order.

Chris Bosh will have his legs surgically amputated at the knees so that he can finally bend over and kiss his girlfriend, only to find out that kissing girls is highly overrated and not at all pleasant.  That’s when the “Rupaul of Big Men” will make “the decision” to take his talents to San Francisco.    

The king himself will have completed his amazing transformation into Santa Clause by truly becoming the chosen one.   By reviewing his list and excluding those that have taken shots at him, Santa ‘Bron will ride in his sleigh over south Florida each and every day. 

Miami fans will hang their stockings by the chimney with care… in the hopes that St. ‘Bron soon will be there. 

… And if you believe this, you must not only be on freshly imported, and extremely hard South American drugs, but you must also be a Miami Heat fan.


If you liked this article, you might also want to read my more serious article, "Miami Heat Fish Market: Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade, Lebron James Title Devaluation"