Derek Jeter Is Sooo Pretty!

As a lifelong Red Sox fan, I have always despised the Yankees. It's the law. However, there is no denying that Derek Jeter is a very attractive man. In fact, I am going to go out on a limb and proclaim him the best-looking guy in the major leagues.

His teammate Alex Rodriguez is good-looking, too, but more in a mannequin-like way. He's too plastic. Too fake. No, for me, Derek Jeter is the one I'd want to settle down with and have babies. Well, if I were a woman. Which I'm not. 

I am, however, secure enough in my masculinity to find beauty in another man. 

When I was in high school, I can remember talking with my friends about the relative attractiveness and unattractiveness of major-league ballplayers. Fred Lynn and Jim Rice were deemed the best looking, and Thurman Munson and Gorman Thomas were the consensus choice for ugliest ballplayers.

To refresh my memory for this article, I looked at a lot of pictures of Gorman Thomas (hey, I do my research), and he didn't look nearly as hideous as I remembered. Thurman Munson did, though. You just knew that Munson always had food in his mustache.

I think ballplayers in general are better-looking these days than they used to be. It's getting harder and harder to find really ugly major leaguers, Randy Johnson notwithstanding.

I remember Frank Tanana as being handsome, but when I looked him up, he didn't really do anything for me. Gene Tenace was as ugly as I remember. Mike Piazza was a dreamboat, as was Keith Hernandez.

My man Dustin Pedroia, as much as I love him, looks like a weasel with irritable bowel syndrome.

Dwight Evans was the last man who could still look good with one of those porn-star mustaches. John Kruk could have been mistaken for a homeless guy, except you don't get a physique like that from eating soup three times a day.

So, I declare, among current major leaguers, Derek Jeter to be the dreamiest and Randy Johnson to be the most nightmarish. And don't we all feel a little bit better knowing that this issue has been resolved?

I know I will sleep well tonight.