Olympic Couch Sitting: The First Weekend

To say I’ve been watching the Olympics would be a lie. It’s more like I’ve been absorbing them. While I’m not in China, I do have two high definition televisions depicting Olympic splendor pretty much 24-7—and two roommates glued to them.

The Games kicked off on Friday night (or Thursday, depending on how you look at it) and it was an amazing display of technology and man power. There really is no way to describe what the Chinese put together for the opening ceremony.

I found the epic scope of the production frightening, to be brutally honest. Check out the first ten minutes (this thing lasted hours and it was all fantastic). The ceremony was straight up Cold War propaganda as much as it was a welcoming party.

Right there on display were thousands of people beating drums, reconstructing the printing press (which China reminds us they invented), even defying gravity. All of it was performed flawlessly and it seemed to carry the message, “Look at what we’ve done with a few thousand people. Imagine what 1.3 billion can do.”

Even the folks at NBC found them somewhat frightening. Regardless, it was an amazing display of beauty and when the giant LCD screens made their entrance I had to pick my jaw back up off the floor so I could drop it again. My jaw and the floor were good buddies by the time it was over.

The events kicked off for me with beach volleyball. Dancing Chinese cheerleaders. Punk Rock. Dudes wearing sunglasses. Two guys from Latvia stepped up and confidently handed our heavily favored team their butts.

While it wasn’t for a medal and Rogers and Dalhausser still have a chance to win it all, it was frustrating to watch. Phil Dalhausser is 6′9″and jumps so high it seems his knees are sometimes above the net. I hope they play Latvia for a medal and make them eat the ball courtesy of a good ol’ American Stuff Sandwich.

The US Basketball team showed up and played with class (hard to believe, I know). Yao Ming’s opening three will be a Chinese highlight for the ages. I’ve never watched a basketball game that ended with two winners until Sunday. I want to see China win the silver now. Yao’s my hero.

In case you haven’t heard, there’s swimming in these Olympics and Michael Phelps swims so differently than everyone else I can’t help but wonder how he wins anything at all.

The dude takes fewer strokes, spends more time underwater, and he is destroying the competition thus far. The hype around this guy is for real, and I’ll even admit that he’s been fun to watch.

Yesterday his relay team added their names to the very long list of people who have made the French look stupid. The Frenchies had been talking tons of smack leading up to the race. While this isn’t the first time in history the French have been caught talking out their asses, it was still great to watch.

The US soccer team played excruciatingly early Sunday morning. Setting my alarm to watch sports is just wrong. As a fan of freedom though, I did what I had to do.

Apparently that meant I had to watch us blow our one goal lead in the last seconds of injury time. Painful. I was grumpy a full three hours before I should have even opened my eyes. If you missed it, you’re smarter than I am, what can I say?

We play Nigeria Wednesday, and I’m expecting redemption. Prediction: our offense goes nuclear and we remind everyone why we’re still a world power. Final score US- 4, Nigeria- 0.

It’s hard to admit it, but I did indeed watch some gymnastics. It’s kind of like NASCAR I guess. I’m watching these 16-year-old girls run full speed into the vault and all I’m thinking is, “One of them’s going to slip up and do a header into the pommel horse.”

Horrible I know. At least I’m honest. What are you thinking about when you’re watching gymnastics? “Great form. I love the dance elements of her routine.” You sound like my girlfriend. I just don’t get some of these events.

Do you remember when you were a kid and you used to try to invent new sports? I came up with all kinds of crap but my games never made it to the Olympics. Well, I don’t know if you’ve seen handball yet, but it most certainly appears to have backyard beginnings (enjoy the Euro-trash techno).

I’ve only got two questions: Where can I play? Is it ok if I join? It looks fun as hell and I’ve got my sights set on London for 2012. I’m totally serious.

Speaking of strange games that appear in the Olympics (curling anyone?) I’m feeling the Olympic Wiffle fever. Baseball? Out. Softball? Out. Cricket? Not so much.

Don’t you think in 2012 there needs to be at least one event that involves a pitcher, a batter, and some type of round object that can be crushed for a home run? Me too. Wiffle ball is kind of a mix between softball and baseball. Think I’m alone on this? Think again my friend.