The Olympics: The Best Time to Be Racist

I don't know about you, but prior to Friday's opening ceremonies I was only looking forward to the Olympics for one reason: basketball.

The months between June and November are, to me, a barren wasteland with the World Series, NFL Sundays, and College Football Saturdays as the occasional oasis.

This year, basketball returns for a few glorious weeks, not for some FIBA tournament, but on the biggest stage in the world.

On Saturday, I awoke at 10:15 hoping to watch the U.S. Men's team take on China. What I didn't realize was that they played on Sunday. Since I was already up, I decided to watch some Olympic coverage before figuring out the rest of my hoops-less day.

The first match I saw was the U.S. v. Japan in Women's Indoor Volleyball. The game was quite close for a while, and before long, I found myself screaming, "This is for Pearl Harbor, you dirty, sneak attacking Japs!!"

I started getting glances from other bar patrons (Really? You're in a bar at 11 a.m. on a Saturday morning too, don't judge me), but they quickly joined in my enthusiasm, cheering wildly at every point.

When the U.S. won, the bar erupted like nothing I'd ever seen, short of a college town watching it's team win a bowl game.

And that's when it hit me: The Olympics are a time when we are allowed to openly root against other countries and races, all for the glory of the U.S. of A.

I find myself bringing up historical conflicts in order to justify my outbursts.

By the time the U.S. v. China hoops game came around Sunday morning, I was in full-fledged hate mode, and I liked it.

Watching Bron Bron block shots, I would scream, "Take that you rice eaters! This is for your dirty, dirty air and your long history of human rights violations!"

When Michael Phelps overtook the Hungarian on the last 50 meters of the Individual Medley, I racked my brain to come up with some slur of Hungarian people, only to fail before the race was over.

I realize now that I need to do my research. I need to know about these countries, disgraces, racial slurs of their people, stereotypes, all of it.

I live in an area populated by Koreans, and every time a Korean team falls to an American team, I plan to go to one of the local eateries, and scream, "In your face! Maybe if you made better Mongolian BBQ your country wouldn't have gotten fried in the Javelin throw."

So, my fellow Americans, let us revel in these 16 days of unadulterated hatred towards our fellow men. Once the Olympics are over, we can go back to our loving, tolerant ways, but now is time to let the boiling pot of discrimination boil over. 

As blind African-American Klansman Clayton Bigsby once put it, "Open up your heart and let that hate out!"