Open Mic: The Career-Killer All-Time NHL Lineup

Ever have that issue when you just can’t beat that one team. No matter what you do they’re too fast, too skillful, too creative and you just can’t step up to their level of competition.

The only way you could defeat this team is if they were taken out of the picture.

Permanently.

Introducing the Career Killer line. Play this line against those speedy forwards thriving in the new NHL, and the next time those players will take the ice will be a pre-game ceremony while the roaring crowd salutes their recovery.

Here they are:

Chris Simon, LW

He stomps, he swings, and he’ll make every effort that you leave the ice on a stretcher. Simon showed his commitment to punishment over the past year when he set the record for suspension at 25 games, and then broke it mere months later at 30 games.

Mike Danton, C

This guy is in prison for hiring a hitman to take out his agent. Enough said.

Todd Bertuzzi, RW

According to archaeologists, velociraptors attack from the sides. This predator gets you from behind—and once he has you in his sights, he won’t let up.  Opponents are advised to take out an extensive life-insurance policy before playing Bertuzzi.

Marty McSorley, D

For a long time McSorely held the NHL record for the largest suspension until being trumped by Bertuzzi and then Chris Simon. His crime? Smacking Donald Brashear in the back of the head with his stick. Fortunately for Marty, Donald didn’t get up.

Scott Stevens, D

Stevens has single-handedly disrupted and ruined more careers than any other player in recent hockey history. Don't believe me? Just ask Paul Kariya, Eric Lindros, Ron Francis, Vyacheslav Koslov, Kris King, Ken Daneyko, Kevyn Adams…

Jonathon Roy, G

Earlier this year, Jonathon Roy—son of Patrick Roy—out-wrestled a linesman, and skated the length of the ice to beat the opposing goalie to a living pulp.  Seeing how the goalie on the receiving end of the blows didn’t initiate the fight—let alone try to defend himself—begs the question of how Roy would react to someone actually provoking him.

Mike Milbury, Coach

During his playing career Milbury was part of a famous brawl which began when a fan attacked his teammate with a stick. The melee progressed into the stands, where Milbury pinned down a fan and beat him repeatedly with the fan's own shoe. Milbury will have no issue hitting home the message of brutality.

Bobby Clarke, GM

The former leader of the Broad Street Bullies knows a tough guy when he sees him. Clarke had a hard-nosed approach to playing, and has a call-it-as-it-is approach to managing. Should the war on the ice make its way to the front office, Clarke will have no issue demonstrating how he got his reputation.

Alan Eagleson, Legal Adviser

While opposing team's management deals with the catastrophe on ice, the greatest con artist in hockey history can rob them blind to fill the pockets of his own players. Should he be caught, he has more than enough muscle in his corner to back him up.

The Career Killers—all rage, all instinct, no brains. Coming soon to a tear-filled, apologetic news conference near you.