Beijing Olympics an Embarassing Spectacle of Doping, Political Stunts

Speed skater Joey Cheek's visa for China was denied just three days before the Olympics are slated to start.  Predictably, athletes are doing their darn best to ruin the games for us.

Cheek isn't a current Olympic participant, but he is a member of Team Darfur, a group of athletes that is trying to keep the genocides in Darfur fresh in the public's minds.  (China, of course, supports Sudan through economic and political ties.)

Yep, that's why we watch the Olympics—so we can hear all about your political statements and laundry lists of what's wrong with the world.

Aren't SAG members already doing enough of that?

This whole situation is starting to bring up what is so wrong with Olympic competition.  Politics are now officially part of the games, and self-absorbed athletes are tainting them.

Why are so many of our athletes competing for other countries, and vice versa?

And why the hell is Amanda Beard naked?  Again.  In Beijing.

The U.S. cycling team showed up at Beijing Airport wearing masks, and the message was clear: "We are not happy with your air quality."  (The cyclists from Mexico City, however, were probably thrilled with it.)

The fact that cyclists are getting busted all over the world for EPO/performance enhancing drugs is hypocrisy at its best—"We don't like your filthy air, but hey, can we borrow a syringe?"

Italian fencer Andrea Baldini was removed from his country's national team after coming up positive for a banned diuretic.  A fencer?  Just what possible excuse is there for a fencer using a banned diuretic?  To be part of the "in" crowd?

Their suits are rigged for point contact by a foil, epee, or sabre, so it's not like an empty bladder helps the electrical current work better here—unless you happen to wet yourself while fencing, in which case the liquid would be an electrical conductor for your opponent's foil.  That explains it.

Seven female Russian track and field team members were kicked off their national team, five of whom were planning to compete in the Olympics, because they fraudulently submitted urine that was not their own (just who volunteered for this?) for doping tests.

Cheer up ladies—the smog would have probably killed your chances anyway.

Is anyone looking forward to track and field?  Will there be any clean premier athletes left in the competition to stand on the podium?  I have a hundy on some steeplechaser from the Himalayas medaling in his event.  Last man standing wins.

Sprint swimmer Dara Torres looks absolutely spectacular for a 40-something-year-old, doesn't she?  She has subjected herself to excessive drug tests to prove she isn't doping, but you can't help but wonder if she's really clean, or if the drug tests aren't keeping up with today's new doping methods.

OK, I admit it—I'm jealous of her bod.

The U.S. Dream Team looks like they were still sleeping after recently beating Australia.  Are these guys going to represent the U.S.A. with class, or are they going for a repeat of the last Olympic Dream Team's pathetic, spoiled-rotten, whiny performances?

Please don't embarrass us, guys.  You do enough of that over here.

China has a 16-year-old gymnast, Ke Hexin, on their national team, who has apparently aged two years in one year.  When she was trying out for the team, she was touted by every Chinese newspaper as being 14 years old.  She made the team, and suddenly, she's 16 years old.

The IOC's response was simple: Show us her passport to prove she's 16—otherwise, she's too young to compete.

Yep, there's no way a country which can make civil protesters disappear from the face of the earth can also forge a passport, now is there?  Hexin will compete after her "official" passport was shown to the IOC.

Gymnastics used to be a great sport, but after Dominique Moceanu's revelations about the Karolyis' alleged training methods, I'm not so sure I want to watch.  Seriously, everyone must be totally shocked at the fact that our gymnasts starve themselves.  Just like horse jockeys binge and purge.  Shocking, just shocking.

Our President plans on talking to the Chinese about their human-rights records while over in China.  Brilliant!

Maybe they can also talk about how a Communist regime has a better economy than ours?

Or how they can sell apartments in Beijing (the soon-to-be-vacant Olympic Village dorms) for between $500,000-1 million dollars and their citizens can actually afford them on paltry wages, while one of the wealthiest nations in the world has the highest foreclosure rates in U.S. history?

Or how come Top Ramen Noodles sell for 10 cents a package, but an American brand of spaghetti sells for a buck a package?  Without any foil-packed seasonings.

There are less than two days until the Olympics start in Beijing.  22 days of watching smoggy skies, protesters getting hauled off, athletes crying over failed drug tests, and Bob Costas sitting by a fireplace telling us Yao Ming's life story.

The positives of this whole Olympic experience will be two-fold.

The U.S. comes out ahead of everyone else in the medal count—after all, this is all about global superiority. 

College football will have been in its second full day of glory when the games end, and the South Carolina vs. N.C. State football game will have higher ratings than the Olympics.

Let the games begin.