It's that time of year again. Training camp is starting, days are getting shorter, terrible movies are being released, and on Aug. 12, millions of nerds will line up outside their local video-game shop and purchase Madden 09.
They will play online as their favorite team, trying to defeat that 12-year-old virtual vigilante from Nebraska that just can't stop running his mouth. I mean, he was just lucky that Vinatieri hit that 54 yarder as time ran out. Plus, there is no way that Reggie Wayne can get that open on every damn play, right? I...I mean you hate that kid, right?
Either way, Madden 09 will bring out the worst in gamers, and the cliché Madden players will come out of their unoriginal closet to try to take your pride.
With that said, here are the top-five talentless, unimaginative, Madden gamers that you will see online from Alabama to Albuquerque.
DRUM ROLL PLEASE...
No. 5: The "I'll use whatever team has the fastest quarterback" guy. This guy is terrible on so many levels. Years ago, before canine criminal Mike Vick was behind bars, people simply picked a passing play, rolled out to the left or right, got absurd blocking from the Falcons for some reason, and torched your defense for 300 yards rushing.
Yes, I know that a scrambling quarterback can be stopped, but it is a pain in my butt having to account for a jackass like Mike Vick.
No. 4: The "I'm going to try to lure you offsides every play by pressing the right trigger" guy. Listen man, this might work once a game, but other than that, it just gives me and the rest of the people watching on my 60-inch screen a seizure. We get it, you're tricky. How about scoring touchdowns instead of turning my game of Madden into a techno video.
No. 3: The "Screen Play" guy. Terrible. This guy runs screen plays on first and third down, regardless of the scenario. Again, a screen may be easy to stop, but it seems like in previous editions of Madden, jackasses like Bryan Westbrook and Reggie Bush have their own area code in the flats. What makes it worse is when you run a screen and Tom Brady rifles the ball off of Kevin Faulk's helmet.
No. 2: The "Ask Madden for my defense" guy. This is one of the most egregious offenses a sports-gamer can commit. Sure, it's all fun and games when this guy is on offense trying to make plays, but the second his defense steps on the field, he turns to defensive wizard John Madden, who never logically calls a play.
Listen, if it's 3rd-and-12 and you don't even think of a dime defense, you shouldn't be playing. Plus, it's not like you're fooling anyone. We can hear John's voice saying vague things like, "I think this play can help here!" Retire from Madden or video games as a whole if you're the "Ask Madden for my defense" guy.
And the No. 1 worst cliché Madden player is...
The "I'll be the best team in the game even though I've been playing since the Clinton Administration" guy. THE WORST. In '98, it was the Broncos. In 2001, it was the Rams. In 2004, it was the Eagles/Patriots, and in 2006, it was the Colts.
What is wrong with this dude?
To make it worse, this jackass can't even win with these teams because every possession is four-down territory. Going for it on 4th-and-7 from your own 35 on your first drive of the game? How the hell do you think you're entitled to do that? The Madden Gods hate that and usually punish you with a few costly mistakes down the road.
In a casual game, there is only one way to determine teams: You randomize the teams. You keep said team or spin it again if dissatisfied, but on the second spin, you are stuck with that team. Everyone's happy!
Enjoy Madden 09 and beat the hell out of any of these cliché players that you might see.