Satire: Jim Rome Talks Big 12 Football and The Upcoming Season

Cloooohnnnnnesss.

Rome here.

You know me.

Syndicated radio host.

Nationwide audience.

Curt word-bursts.

As a young man. Hit on the melon.

With a claw hammer.

Seventy.

Eight.

Times.

Massive damage to the cerebellum.

Impaired speech.

Inability to form compound thoughts.

Hih. Larious.

Letstalkbigtwelve.

First of all–conference expansion?

Wrong.

Conference. Contraction.

Big XII? Ten teams.

Big Ten? Twelve teams.

Big fish? Little fish.

Fox.

In.

Socks.

Hey Dan Beebe.

Nice eleventh hour resurrection.

In. Credible.

Almost. Godlike.

Bigger. Than Jesus.

I want.

To fellate you.

Moving on.

Nebraska.

The Huskers.

Five. National. Championships.

I-formation. Option.

Tom Osbourne.

Ndamokung Suh.

Boy Named Sue.

Johnny. Freaking. Cash.

Money.

Moving on.

The Colorado Buffaloes.

Hey Dan Hawkins.

My Pop Warner team wants its coach back.

Signed. Kid who played on Pop Warner team where the coach insisted that his own fat, slow kid play quarterback.

Tre. Mendous.

Kansas.

Not a football state.

When I think of Kansas I think basketball.

Corn.

Abraham Lincoln.

NASA.

Anonymous.

Anal.

Sex.

In.

Truck stop.

As they say. When in Rome.

You know what I mean.

You. Get it.

Good times.

movingon

Kansas State?

Just like Kansas.

Same state.

Don’t believe me?

Look it up.

W-W-W. Dot. Kansas State is in Kansas. Dot. Com.

Book it.

Missouri.

Mizzou.

The Tigers.

They play some football.

In a stadium.

In Missouri.

In the Show Me State.

Hey Missouri—show me a winning record.

In football.

Then show me your brown starfish.

Epic.

movingon

Iowa. Freaking. State.

Let’s go to the mailbag.

Dear Iowa State.

I want my mascot back.

Signed.

The Billings Junior College Fighting Red Bird Head Tornado Monsters.

Hih. Larious.

O. Riginal.

Oklahoma.

The Sooners.

Boomer. Sooner.

Bob. Stoops.

He can coach.

He can recruit.

The man can recruit.

And coach.

Think they play some defense in Norman?

Tre. Mendous.

They play some offense, too.

Passing. The. Football.

That’s how you do it.

That’s how they do it.

The Sooners.

In. Credible.

Oklahoma State.

Also from Oklahoma.

Also pass the football.

The difference?

T.

Boone.

Pickens.

Think that man made some money?

Johnny. Freaking. Cash.

More cash than I’ll ever make.

Think he has enough money to buy a small compound and stash a dozen or so abducted Lithuanian prostitutes?

I like to think so.

Epic.

Baylor.

They play in Waco.

Hey Baylor – try not to die in a fiery government raid.

Hih. Larious.

The Bears.

Hairy gay guys.

Leather.

Hard hats.

Woof.

Tre. Mendous.

Texas A&M.

Did you hear what I said about the Aggies?

Mike Sherman.

Sherman’s March.

Sherman’s going to march.

All.

Over.

Aggieland.

March madness.

Final Four.

Four Horsemen.

Apocalypse.

Spike TV’s “Carpocalypse.”

Carpal.

Tunnel.

Syndrome.

Book it.

Texas Tech.

What is up with the Red Raiders?

Un. Believable.

You heard it here first.

The Texas Longhorns.

Bevo.

A cannon.

Mack. Freaking. Brown.

Think he can coach?

Think he can recruit some athletes?

Mack.

Freaking.

Brown.

And what about Garrett Gilbert?

Garrett.

Freaking.

Gilbert.

Quarterback.

Burnt. Orange.

Austin. Texas.

Think they play some football down there?

Think they strap it up and come to play?

Think they bring their lunch pail?

Every.

Freaking.

Play?

So there you have it.

Rome’s Big XII predictions.

Book it.

Solid.

Tre. Mendous.

Un. Deniable.

Un. Intelligible.

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