SATIRE - A recent study by scientists, who apparently don't have anything more important to be studying, shows that on Facebook, Nick Saban has more followers from the state of Alabama than God does. Pretty amazing, isn't it?
One scientist went so far as to say Alabama would go 0-12 this year, but that is unlikely. Others have claimed Saban will be struck by lightning, but after screaming the "G-D" word on TV enough, you would think that if lightning would strike anytime, it would be the Rose Bowl. It's only the most open sports stadium in the world.
Here's some misfortunes Alabama might now be facing this season.
In a scientific phenomenon, Mark Ingram wakes up in the morning and wonders where he is. He looks at his things and sees "Michigan." He leaves to live in Detroit.
There he meets Eminem. Turns out, Ingram is a pretty good rapper. Or he thinks he is. He flies to California and meets Dr. Dre. Alabama sees this and offers him to come back, but he is ineligible, because thanks to his rapping career, "He's Got Plentay Mon-Ay."
Much resembling the famous Alabama-Louisville bowl match-up, the only way Alabama can lose this game is if they don't show up.
However, Bama's bus driver does not own a map. So they take a trip through Knoxville, where the bus spins out of control and smashes smack-dab into the Lane Kiffin Sewage Treatment Plant. Nobody is hurt except for Verne Lunquist. And for THAT, Alabama fans celebrate.
Still, Alabama must forfeit a game they would not have lost any other way.
We all remember Kanye West walking upstage and uprooting Taylor Swift's moment. Alabama might have the same fate.
After Trent Richardson ran wild, he won Alabama's second Heisman despite having zero yards in the loss to Duke.
Before he opens his mouth to make a tearful speech, Urban Meyer runs up on the stage. He shows he obviously has forgotten Tebow is wearing a different shade of orange and blue.
"Yeah, you're good, Trent, but we all know this award should go to Tim Tebow. He was the best rusher of the YEAR! It's not even close."
Tim Tebow, however, patches things up with Trent, sending him a Bible. He also collaborated with this guy who just became a preacher, Glenn Coffee, to save Richardson. See? You just can't be mad at a guy who has such GREAT hair.
How often does Marcel visit Mobile? Probably just a few more times than he has been to Miami.
In Mobile, people recognize you if you're a starter for the Crimson Tide. Not only do average-sized, not-messed-up-in-the-cranium people recognize you, but JaMarcus Russell also recognizes you.
Should Dareus learn how to make the infamous Purple Drank, Alabama will boot him before the Georgia State game. He will move to Miami, where he walks on with the Hurricanes. That way, he doesn't have to travel so far to get wasted away again in Margaritaville.
- Nick Saban is hired at USC after the season. Lane Kiffin pumps gas in South Carolina. Alabama hires a coach whose first name is Mike.
- Joe Paterno pretends to have a heart attack while officials are reviewing a play in the fourth quarter. They see him on the ground, and out of heart for PSU faithful, give the call to Penn State. JoePa rises to his feet yelling excitedly, and Penn State wins the game.
- Gene Chizik and the Auburn Tigers beat Alabama 19-5.