2010 College Football Predictions: Aqua Buddha Reveals the Truth
A former member of the swim team at Baylor, who is currently a United States Senate candidate in Kentucky, has been accused of bizarre activities during his college days by a female psychologist in Waco, Texas.
The candidate, Rand Paul, formerly known as Randy Paul in college according to others, allegedly dropped by with a fellow classmate to see the young woman when they were all students in the early 1980s.
According to the report of the psychologist, who wishes to have her name withheld, Paul and his friend put her in their car and drove to the countryside outside of Waco, where they stopped near a creek.
"They told me their god was 'Aqua Buddha' and that I needed to bow down and worship him," the woman recalls. "They blindfolded me and made me bow down to 'Aqua Buddha' in the creek. I had to say, 'I worship you Aqua Buddha.'"
Kind of like the way Nick Saban is worshipping President Obama in the picture.
Now that I have straightened out the prima donna who thinks he owns the Bleacher Report, I will continue with the article for more intelligent readers.
Nearly 30 years later, the woman is still trying to make sense of that afternoon. "They never did anything wrong... They were messing with my mind. It was some kind of joke. ... I just know I never saw Randy after that, for understandable reasons."
Since Paul is a favorite of the Tea Party group, it seems that if someone could contact Aqua Buddha, perhaps he could clear his bong and read the tea leaves to advise of future college activities that will take place, maybe even in the sport of football.
There could be no doubt—we must find Aqua Buddha and learn the secrets only he can tell.
Billie Joe McAllister and the Home of Aqua Buddha
Following a long and winding road, we came upon a large creek with a bridge crossing over the water below. A sign along the bank stated it was the Tallahatchie Bridge.
A young man on the bridge introduced himself as Billie Joe McAllister; he was accompanied by his girlfriend Bobbie. Upon hearing of our journey, Billie Joe stated, "Her Daddy says I don't have a lick of sense anyway," but he added in a serious tone, "I can produce Aqua Buddha."
We were told to follow a certain ritual, as this was the only way to make contact with Aqua Buddha. We were told to chant, "Alabama is No. 1, Alabama is No. 1, Alabama is No. 1."
We did so and handed the young man a dollar for his trouble. He stated a "dollar can't buy anything" and threw it into the muddy water off the Tallahatchie Bridge.
Following his exit, the water began to bubble, and the air was filled with the smell of burnt rope. From underneath the bridge came the voice, "Who is that trip, trappin' on my bridge?"
The Coming of Aqua Buddha
With a sound that rocked the trees in the forests, a voice roared, "I am the mighty Aqua Buddha. What business do you have here?" The bridge began to sway as we answered, "We have come to honor you and ask for your all-seeing advice."
"In what way may I answer the needs of those who request my assistance?"
With great excitement we produced the book. "Here is the book—Phil Steele's 2010 College Preview Guide! Will you tell us if he is correct when he states Oklahoma will win the BCS title this season?"
"Fools, there is only one book—my book," stated the imperious figure who confronted us. "There is no need to know anything else. My book contains both the Aqua and the Buddha of all knowledge in college football.
"Because you have traveled far, I will allow you three questions concerning the upcoming season."
Will Iowa Win the Big Ten?
As question No. 1, the following important issue had to be asked: "Who from the Big Ten will go to the Rose Bowl?"
Aqua Buddha boomed his answer through the fields and plains surrounding our river setting, causing a disturbance among nearby planters and townsfolk.
"Of course Iowa will go to the Rose Bowl. You have wasted your first request on foolishness."
Who Will Be the First Big Name Coach to Step Down?
From up on Choctaw Ridge came Brother Taylor with the news. It would be another another sleepy, dusty, delta day, and many would suffer from the heat while they were out chopping cotton and bailing hay.
Before considering the second question, we asked Aqua Buddha what would happen if the water dried up.
He followed the inquiry with, "In that case, my brother Aqua Velva would see to the world's needs."
"Then tell us, oh wise one, who will be the first big name coach to leave his position this season?"
Straightening his visor, Aqua Buddha boomed, "The Hawk flies higher than the dove, but by December the Hawk will fly no more in Boulder, Colorado."
Who'll Be the Next in Line?
With only a final question left in our arsenal, the reasonable thing to do is find out the most important item of all: "Who'll be the next in line to win the national championship?"
"The next in line to win the BCS is not important. What is important is to find out who at the University of Alabama is responsible for printing the tickets regarding the November 13th game with Mississippi State because that person misspelled Mississippi."
We had to ask, "Why is that important?"
In a serious manner, the man we've come to know as "A.B." stated, "Whoever did that is the one who will have to answer for causing an end to the long Crimson Tide winning streak."
Pass the Biscuits Please
So concluded our audience with the virtual cyclops of the future, a veritable Oracle of Delphi located in the romantic backwoods of the South. Who would have guessed at the beginning of the journey?
While crossing the bridge on our way home, we encountered the statuesque beauty earlier identified as Billie Joe McAllister's girlfriend, Bobbie.
Sitting on the bridge as we passed, strumming a tune on her guitar, she spoke up and said, "Y'all come back on the third of June now. We have a celebration on that date every year."
Wonder if she ever threw anything off the Tallahatchie Bridge.
The Days Will Turn Cold Before We Truly Know the Answers
So let it be written, so let it be done...