A New York Mets Satire: So What if Our Closer Is in Jail?

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A New York Mets Satire: So What if Our Closer Is in Jail?
Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

The Mets adopted an unusual strategy for dealing with reporters' inquiries about K-Rod's arrest for assault last night.

Normally reserved and bashful David Wright sarcastically told reporters, "I'm surprised, K-Rod is such an even-tempered guy.  The victim is lucky Frankie didn't stab him.  I hope he stays in jail."

Asked if K-Rod's two-game suspension would impact the Mets' performance, Mets manager Jerry Manuel collapsed into a fit of honesty, yelling, "we're going to lose anyway.  What's the difference if our closer is in jail?  We suck.  That's right, we suck. You wanna know why we haven't won two games in a row since May?  We suck.  You wanna know why we punch our father in-laws in the head?  We suck.  That's right. That's my official answer to every question from now on.  Next?"

Adam Rubin then asked Jerry Manuel why his boss, Omar Minaya, blamed him for his assistant, Tony Bernazard's half naked assault on minor league players last year.  "I just told you, we suck."

"How about the Wilpons, Jerry, do they suck too?" SNY reporter Kevin Burkhardt asked the unravelling manager.  "You bet they suck.  Suck starts at the top, Kev.  Even our bat boy's a chump."

"Jerry, what about Jason Bay, does he suck too?"

What did K-Rod's father in-law say to Frankie?

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"Are you kidding me?  He sucks the most.  No, John Maine, he's the biggest sucker I've ever met in my life.  I wouldn't let that cat mow my lawn.  I'll pay anyone in this room if they can promise me I'll never have to see those two chumps ever again.  As a matter of fact.  I'm done.  I'm done.  I've made my money, I don't have to put up with another minute of the Mets, or baseball.  I hate the sport.  I used to like it but it's ruined.  I never wanna see another baseball again in my life.  And you know what's the only thing that sucks more than the Mets?  It's you.  The media.  You guys...I wish K-Rod had hit you.  He hit the wrong guy.  Quote me on that.  I'm outtee 5000, gangster style," and with that stormed out of the press room throwing his jersey at reporters after gesturing to wipe his rear end with it.  "Have a bad season, you suckers" were his final words before he disappeared from the clubhouse.

Gary Apple and Bobby Ojeda then spent the entire postgame show laughing and drinking beer on camera while pranking the entire team on their private cell phones.  In a call to Jeff Francouer, Ojeda pretended to be a dentist inquiring about his "massive chompers." Gary Apple called Johan Santana, pretending to be the woman accusing him of sexual assault when he vomited all over the studio desk, during the broadcast.

The postgame show ended when Mets COO "Jeffy boy" Jeff Wilpon arrived on the set to fire Ojeda and Gary Apple who proceeded to beat him up after putting on beards, "blingy" sunglasses, and Mets hats, imitating the look of the team's jailed relief pitcher, K-Rod.

The Mets are currently nine games back behind the Atlanta Braves and staging a late season comeback, and an unexpected World Series Championship.

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