Exploding Bats Pose Lethal Threat in MLB: Lawyers Anxious for First Fan Death

Gary CainContributor IAugust 4, 2010

ANAHEIM, CA - OCTOBER 19:  Mike Napoli #44 of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim pops up, breaking his bat, as Jorge Posada #20 the New York Yankees defends the plate during the third inning in Game Three of the ALCS during the 2009 MLB Playoffs at Angel Stadium on October 19, 2009 in Anaheim, California.  (Photo by Harry How/Getty Images)
Harry How/Getty Images

Lethal Threat

Somebody at an MLB game is gonna get recklessly killed one day, maybe even today. When it happens, sad to say, lawyers are gonna love it.

Perhaps an unfortunate pitcher, base coach, or dugout denizen. More likely though, it’ll be a fan. There’s way more of them, and they’re much closer together. A huge, easy target.

How, you ask? Exploding bats. Maple bats, to be exact. Unlike traditional ash bats, which tend just to crack when struck on the trademark, yet remain in one piece, maple bats shatter into large, sharply pointed shards which go screaming around the diamond like elephant spears.

And half the MLB players currently use them. Danger, Will Robinson!

Already, there’ve been gruesome injuries, gashes, and broken bones included, and near-misses out the wazoo. In pretty much every MLB game in recent years, often several times a game, players, coaches, and fans face abject terror when a maple bat explodes, knowing their very lives are at stake. They leap, duck, and cower, maybe say a quick prayer, desperate to avoid being impaled as the menacing maple harpoon zeroes in on them.

If they’re paying attention, that is.


Here Come the Lawyers

That regular, wanton threat has U.S. personal injury lawyers drooling onto their penny-loafers.

MLB teams think they’re off the hook because they warn fans in teeny, tiny print on every ticket to look out for wayward flying objects. Yet phrases like “blatant disregard for personal safety,” “egregious negligence,” and “willful, continued use of a known defective product” leap to ravenous injury lawyers’ minds.

Just wait for the legal feeding frenzy that gets unleashed as soon as sweet, innocent Little Johnny gets literally nailed to the back of his seat by a lethal broken maple bat shard.

Incredibly, MLB appears content to let it all happen.


Lawsuit Carnage

Anybody who watches TV can already predict the outcome of the ensuing lawsuit extravaganza:

  • Non-ash bats will be immediately banned, recalled, and burned in an enormous pyre in Little Johnny’s memory. Marshmallows will be provided by the Injury Lawyers of America.
  • The companies that make maple bats will be sued into oblivion, thereby also ending professional baseball’s wooden bat era entirely, since these same companies also produce the ash bats. Ping! Metal bat era, here we come.
  • The player that swung the killer bat will be locked up for the rest of his natural life for heinous manslaughter, plus forever ridiculed for swinging at pitches so ridiculously far inside.
  • The tree farm that grew the wood for this maple instrument of death will be forced to use future tree harvests to build only coffins, an everlasting reminder of their deadly deed.
  • MLB, at long last, will be forced to mount an all-out attempt to protect game attendees from any possible projectile from the playing field—foul balls, flung bats, leaping players, even spit gobs of tobacco juice. Each team will be forced to enclose every field with a Plexiglass shell from field level to the lights. Think hockey rink on steroids. Fans wanting player autographs or foul balls will then be forced to buy them. Score another one for Capitalism! Ka-ching.
  • MLB will pay monetary damages of such enormity that they’ll wind up like the minors, travelling by bus, staying in flea-bag hotels, and eating Ramen noodles with fresh roadkill.
  • Future MLB tickets will feature a 16-page foldout listing every possible warning, first aid technique, and safety alert, from choking on a hot dog, to sunburn, to program paper cuts, to slipping on spilled beer, to falling over the upper deck railing in a drunken stupor, to clinical depression from yet another abysmal Baltimore Orioles losing season, so as to preemptively strike at future lawsuits.
  • And finally, the victorious personal-injury lawyers, with their new-found riches, will all join country clubs and move to golf courses, where they will begin their next vigil—ensuring the safety of golf fans everywhere.


(An earlier version of this article appeared on HumorVolcano.com)