The Two Minute Hate: Stephen Garcia

Evan WileyCorrespondent IJuly 31, 2008

When Stephen Garcia is not getting involved in hit and runs, drinking and driving, vandalizing professors' cars, or going through school mandated rehab; he plays football. 

"Play", being the operative word as he hasn't played a down in college.  Somehow though, Spurrier has pulled some strings and gotten him back before the mandated August 15th deadline.  It's been at least 3 months since his last embarrassing incident, so let me show you an embarrassment that is ongoing.

On December 11, 2006, someone decided he need a website, 

I almost think he made the site himself.  It's at that level of sophistication one would expect from an MLM firm trolling for marks on Craigslist.  It also screams of counting chickens before they've hatched, which seems to be his life's defining characteristic.

I remember the first time I laid eyes on him.  I felt the same kind of unbridled hatred that I feel for that Kojo weirdo on Entertainment Tonight.

It's only fitting that he's Spurrier's latest project

When it comes to Steve Spurrier, one always recalls a few things:

1. He shows all the sportsmanship of Larry Holmes combined with Lou Holtz; who used to fake punts in the fourth quarter while leading by multiple touchdowns.

2. He constantly talks trash regardless of being able to back it up.

3. He votes for Duke in the pre-season polls.  

4. He's the last person on Earth, besides Richard Simmons, that still wears a sun visor

5. Spurrier was a quarterback in college.  If you were a defensive lineman, as I was, then you were trained to kill these people.

Enter Stephen Garcia, aka Spurrier 2.0.

First off, look at the above picture.  Garcia manages to look a lot like a teenage girl.  Perhaps he's thinking to himself about how talented Miley Cyrus is, or the ubiquitous "OMG!" while talking to one of his gal pals.  That's actually his most flattering photo, too.  In the rest he just looks like the toady of a coke dealer on CSI Miami.

Without ever takng a snap at the collegiate level he inexplicably has a stats section.  It says, "We will be updating Stephen Garcia stats page when Stephen Garcia statistics are available." This is the webmaster's nice way of saying, "There are no stats because he's never played." 

This is especially frustrating to me.  I'd like nothing more than to be able to hammer his playing ability. 

Let's not forget trading cards.  This is the most fun part of the site.  It's both inconsistent and riddled with spelling errors.  For fun, I've italicized the spelling and grammar errors:

As of now, we currently do not have Stephen Garcia Card or even Stephen Garcia rookie Card, there are not so many Stephen Garcia Card that is available for now. We will show you the Stephen Garcia Card when it comes out.

If your looking to buy Authentic Stephen Garcia Card, you catry Ebay, Amazon, and even Your best bet is to go to your local card shop, that way you can see the Stephen Garcia Card up close and look for any problems.

Whoever wrote this doesn't speak English as their first language.  Imagine a cab driver saying the above paragraphs and you'll see what I mean.  For more examples of this suckery, head over to the Biography section.  At least 75% of the sentences start with "Stephen Garcia". 

The Biography page also mentions that he has skinny legs. 

Skinny legged QB with Spurrier as a role model.  Come September 13th, I hope Geno Atkins snaps his metro-sexual neck.